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Topic Seed: Love More Than Judge (June 2017)

Love More Than Judge

June 2017

I somehow signed up for daily, positive affirmations that come in via text to my phone.  I don't recall how I signed up for this, nonetheless I did, and frankly, I'm grateful for it. I can't say how many times that what I've received has hit me in someway or other, whether directly relating to recovery, or more often, simply relating to Life itself.  Case in point:

Recently, one morning I was being pretty judgmental towards myself, my job/coworkers, and how I felt about always feeling so behind on "doing" in Life.  It was becoming rather burdensome not only to me, but to my attitude towards my job and others, and it was quickly wearing me down.  And then I received this text:

"Hard on yourself for not crushing it all the time? Self-compassion can equal more productivity than self-esteem. Love > Judge today."

As usual with these texts, I didn't think much of it right off, but what is seen/heard/known is not undo-able, and such was the case here. It was mere moments later, right as I began to barrage myself with frustration over something I'd missed, that it hit me.

"I'm doing it again," I thought, "tearing myself down, and all for what?"

...

About two years ago, when I first created the 365 Days and a Tree challenge, I began working at self-improvement with my focus being on weight loss, and as part of my determination, I was going to record -- daily -- my struggle with it in hope to help others see that it was possible to do so.

But shortly, I had to stop recording.

Two things were immediately evident.
1) I was incapable of acquiring the time necessary to do all of the video editing with everything I had already been taking on.
2) I was being a real prick.  To me.

Number one, although it was frustrating because I tremendously enjoy video work, it was fairly easy to deal with. I eventually came to grips with the fact that it was simply too much to do and I had to back off.  I just couldn't possibly do it. But number two?

Number two... that one stung.  I had no idea at how terrible I spoke to myself, and how mean and angry I was for EVERYTHING I did/didn't do/did "wrong." I couldn't continue to stomach the things I said about myself as I tried to edit the videos, and I would get disgusted and depressed as I watched and edited.

I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me that way, yet there I was -- my own worst enemy, beating myself up over simple things, silly things, or just basic mistakes!  "Like an idiot, I ate too much today." or "Because this jerk didn't get out enough when I was married, I got embarrassingly fat." (I need to stop repeating it right here, because it only gets worse... trust me on this.)

Who talks to themselves like that?!  Well... I did.

...

Thankfully today, thanks to recovery, I can recognize it most of the time, usually straight out of the gate.  But sometimes, I need a reminder, just as this particular text provided for me, to be loving and judge less, regardless of the situation or who it is -- including myself.

And that got me to thinking.  Why was I being so hard on myself? Or my job requirements? Or my coworkers?  They're as human as I am and my job is just that -- a job.  I am capable of, and have room for, being kind, loving, and compassionate in all aspects of Life.

With a sigh, I remembered to take a moment of mindful meditation -- only a couple of minutes required to come back to Earth -- and a few moments later, I was here, focused on what I really needed to do, and remembering to Love more than to Judge -- towards myself, my job, and my coworkers.

It certainly makes Life a lot more cheerful, more peaceful, and best of all -- people don't mind hanging around once in a while when I'm not such an ass.

Namasté

DL


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