I found the love of my life when I was 14 years old. I (barely) remember the first night we spent together. I felt alive. I felt wanted. I felt important. My love made me feel like I could do anything. I was on top of the world. Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I am not writing about a person. The biggest love of my life was a mind altering substance. The biggest love of my life was alcohol. I remember when I was married I would sit there with my husband and all I could think of was when and how I would get my next drink. I remember thinking, even then, that it was like I was cheating on my husband with alcohol, since I usually hid the amount I was drinking from him. It was like living a double life. While drinking, I was physically with my husband, but mentally and emotionally tied to a stupid substance in a bottle. It really pisses me off now that I think about it. How powerful an innocent looking liquid can be to an alcoholic! Towards the end of my drinking career I knew I had to say good bye to my love. It was tough times and something I did not want to do.
The power of print is amazing. There is something concrete about putting something on paper with a pen. To solidify the ending to my love affair, I decided to write a letter to alcohol. I wrote it about 5 or 6 years ago. I’d like to share that letter with you. Perhaps some of you can relate.
Hey old friend, how ya been? Probably just as crazy as ever. I’ve really been thinking about you a lot and have a lot to tell you. I cannot have you in my life anymore. It breaks my heart to tell you this and it is not what I want, but it is absolutely necessary. The trouble you brought upon me outweighs the happiness by far. Sure, you gave me many good times and lots of social interaction. You gave me the courage to be someone I always wanted to be. Someone without fear. Someone who could be confident enough to make new friends and sing my heart out in karaoke. But don’t you see all the trouble you caused? You made me physically and emotionally sick. You stood in the way of a job I loved. A job I liked, did well at and was admired for. You made me too sick to perform and now it is lost forever. You stood in the way of financial security. I gave you so much money. So much that I am now struggling severely. And with all I charged for you on my credit cards, I will struggle for years. I gave myself up for you. I know I made the decision to bring you into my life but you so sneakily grabbed on and wouldn’t let me go. You suckered me into believing I couldn’t live without you and that I needed you. You are such a fucking asshole! How dare you sit there and ruin the fuck out of my life then whisper softly in my ear that if I only came back you would make things better again. That is a fucking lie and you know it. I can’t believe I ever trusted you. I hope to God someone blows your brains out and wipes you off the face of the earth. Look at all those millions of lives you are fucking up as we speak! I swear to God you are the fucking devil.
It is important for me to mention, however, that I still have strong feelings for you. I wish they would go away but for now I have to simply find a way to get rid of them once they come. It’s so fucked up that you can whisper such sweet promises but fuck me in the end. I have built a strong alliance with all your past lovers and you know what? Whenever I want to run into your sweet arms, I have them there to remind me of your fucked-up motives. One thing I absolutely cannot forgive you for is how fucked up of a mom you made me. I treated my precious babies like shit when you are around and I can never take that back. During their baby years when they were helpless and needed a loving caring, strong mom, you weakened me beyond belief. They have to live with that as a foundation of their life. So not only did you fuck me up, you fucked up my kids’ lives and they’ve never even met you. All I can do is warn them of your evil ways and tell them to stay away.
I do miss you and wish we could be together, but it is too destructive. It is time for me to be strong and try to find a life without you. I will think about you still and remember some good times, but I need you to go away please. I know contact with you is impossible, so try to ignore me and I will try to ignore you. Although to fall back into your arms seems like a dream come true, I have to wake up and remember that to be with you means loss, sickness, instability and DEATH. If I am not going to die, I need to be healthy and stable. I cannot do that with you. Therefore, to be with you means death-death of my dreams since I cannot start and maintain a career while in an institution, and that’s where I will go with you. Death of my kids, since I cannot be with them while drinking. And most importantly death of my soul since I will want to take my own life after believing the horrible hopeless lies you make me believe. I hope you realize all the hurt you brought into my life and many others! I hope you are deeply ashamed. You kill, steal and destroy and for that I can never forgive you. Leave me the fuck alone.