Ravaging my beauty though manic depressive addiction
By Damian K.
"But running through the primary artery, the thing that ultimately accelerated their world and then took them down, was speed. Amphetamine magnified their paranoia, robbed some of their innate powers, drained their confidence, and ravaged their beauty."
- Patti Smith, Just Kids
And it was the same for me with prescription dextroamphetamines, Ritalin and Adderall for 12 years, to treat the manic depression I was diagnosed with at age 22. Those pills ultimately drained me of life. Wasted years. Lost time.
I am in recovery now, 57 days of freedom. Clean and sober since August 23, 2017. Attending outpatient drug and alcohol rehab for a month and a half. One day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time.
"Boarding a train to take my memories back
Make up for time that I have lost
I'll never know if I'm delusional
I just believe that I am not
I'm going to work for my sanity
Give it everything I got
Though so far I have cheated death
I know someday I'll get caught
- Time Forgot, Conor Oberst
What helped me the most in my recovery was finally getting honest with myself. Believing I was an addict who just can't have a couple drinks or just smoke one joint. Or take pills as prescribed. Because I can't stop. I have a problem with saying no, with saying no more. I have an illness that is not easily treated if you don't believe you have one.
I was honest with my psychiatrist after a dozen years. I admitted that not only would I take more of the addictive pills than prescribed, I would often crush them up and snort them. Klonipin and ativans as well. My doctor no longer prescribes me any addictive meds and my moods have been fairly stable on daily doses of lithium and neurontin.
I relapsed earlier this year on crystal meth and for awhile thought I could convince my doc to begin prescribing me Adderall again. It was better than meth! I'd save money! But I got smart and realized that pills were just as bad because I don't know how to stop with anything addictive. Even oreos. After totaling my car, time in jail, and another psych ward stint. enough was enough was enough.
My innate powers as a father, my confidence and beauty in life would continue to be drained and ravaged with any addictive substance. Thankfully I saw that bleak future and the insight prevailed.
Clean and sober 57 days now. I have cheated death numerous times. I truly believe I am out of chances. I am grateful for this day, and happy and confident again. I have worked so hard to get here. No turning back this time.