Prayer Changes the Light
I was struggling one night with an internal conflict, one that I could not resolve. In the dark depths of my fight, I told myself that I wasn’t at fault, yet I argued with myself until I was restless and discontent. I was up all night long, beating myself up and blaming myself for everything that had been said and things that weren't even happening – but I began to realize deep inside that it truly wasn’t me. I knew I couldn’t be blamed for their actions or their words, and by morning I was completely convinced that it was them who was at fault for all the shit I was putting myself through.
And I wanted affirmation. More importantly, I wanted them to stop (perceptually) shitting on me every time I did or said something!
So, I began to pray. I prayed that, whatever length of time it required, they would see what they were doing wrong; that the situation would change so they didn’t (seemingly) feel the need to be an asshole; that they would see what they needed to change and would see what they were doing incorrectly – and that they would just stop doing it!
I used to believe that prayer would change things.
But something occurred to me in that moment of prayer…
If I truly believe that I am not in the wrong, yet I am still being shit upon, then it is entirely up to me to remove myself from underneath the assholes. I am the one that needs to take the action to change, not them – it’s my responsibility to change where I’m at, no one else’s.
I now know that prayer doesn’t change the situation, it changes me, and it’s me who changes things.
So I step out of the deep, dark latrine, and I wash off. Funny how warm the sun is when I come out of the pit's shadow and walk into the light.
Author's Note: This is directed towards no one particular person or incident -- it is just some things I've been going through, where I have been put in my place a number of times as of late, and I felt dumped on. Thank God for friends who'll let me know where I've crossed the line -- even if it does feel like I'm being shit on -- and who will still be there to take my hand and help me out of my own personal latrine (lct).