Past habits. Past stories. Past problems. Old thinking.
BY KADE HEMERSON
I’ve been with DL during this entire process of Drunkless — from it’s inception clear up to now (and for clarification, I’m obviously still a huge supporter — I don’t mean the sportswear kind, either). I wasn’t a fan of Drunkless being put into “hibernation” as DL called it, but it was something he felt needed to happen in order for it to grow. He began focusing on a local group here that had been awarded the honor of hosting some kind of huge event this year (which has, by this time, already come and gone). I have more to say about all that, but this blog isn’t the time for that conversation, so I’ll just get to the point: I am very glad Drunkless has come out of hibernation!
Well, let me tell you why.
I can’t tell you the many times I’d written blogs for Drunkless. So many. Yet, I think I have but a handful (if that) that have been published. It’s not that it’s overly tough to get submitted or approved at Drunkless (although there have been posts that have not been approved) — it’s mostly that I couldn’t bring myself to… well, talk about it, in a blog-like way.
it’s an old habit, telling old stories of old problems. It’s an old process that I cling to, a problem where I hold it in, “shhh - if no one knows then, then I can push it down further until it’s burried.”
Anyone know what happens when they push down a seed into fertile soil? Doesn’t matter if its an unwanted weed, or a flower, or tree, or some kind of fruit or vegitable — they all do the same thing over time: they sprout, grow, and more often than not — they spread. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was always bowls and cherries and cream to top! Sadly, for the majority of us, itseems to be weeds that we push down. Damn weeds.
Drunkless has been a great outlet for many a person, from DL, to his friend Tami, to the other Drunkless crew members who’ve come and gone. Writing is a great format for releasing what’s on our minds, and DL knows this, I mean hell, it’s exactly how Drunkless started to begin with! DL has expressed on many occasion the gratitude he has for being able to write out his thoughts, issues, ideas, problems, rediscoveries, and answers.
(SIDE NOTE: DL told me just a little while ago that it was Drinkless Sackyong who sat down with him at Flying M, a local coffee shop, and encouraged him to begin writing. She believed enough in his idea that she even wrote a few blogs with him to help plant the seed. Ask him yourself. He’ll tell you how important she was to the launch of Drunkless. Since then, Drunkless began to grow, and DLs confidence grew. After a month or two, Tami joined the Drunkless Crew, and it has grown around the globe with the work and examples they’ve given to the world. But I digress…).
Writing is a fantastic outlet. Once again, I find myself rediscovering this. Even though I’ve only braved a few a public blogs, the many that I’ve kept to myself have had exactly the same effect: I’ve been able to find release, discover my part in the roles that have been played, and even taken corrective measures to rectify and correct my misdoings.
And that is what actually brings me here this evening. I have some things on my chest, things that are crowding my mind — it’s as DL always says, “Left Side and Right Side are arguing again. I hate those bastards.” During a text conversation, DL told me to just write. Below is a clip of our text. And while I’m pretty sure DL has stated who he actually is, I blotched out his true name anyway and wrote “DL” in its place. And yes, this really is from DL:
“WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH…
… could help another person know they … can make it through”
That reminded me of Marianne Williamson’s poem, Our Deepest Fear, where she she ends it with:
“… And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”
So here’s my gig. This is, tonight, a deal. It’s a deal that I know I will get through. It’s a deal where I know that past habits, past stories, and past problems simply lead to old thinking. And old thinking says to “… push that seed down, deeper and deeper. Surely it won’t grow if I do that!”
I find myself avoiding those I love, and chasing those I want to love me back. I trade a good, comfortable home for one I don’t know simply so I can feel the connection I think I want to feel — yet is the very thing that evades me. It’s a trade-off I’m not sure makes any kind of sense, yet I do it in the name of instant gratification; ego billowing; self-importance; and even “just to feel better/loved” (which is strange, because the love is there by those already around me). I don’t want to feel alone, yet I run from those warmly surrounding me for a cold, dark shadow who knows nothing about filling anyone with warm light. It’s a losing battle I wage, and upon failure, I retreat to the farthest, darkest corners of my mind, resting next to Left Side and Right Side… at least they understand… right?
It’s kind of weird, because as I type this very blog, I am feeling much better. I am beginning to actually realize my situation, and i have merely mentioned it. I know I still have to face it, I’m still going to have to deal with the problem. But by slowing down, by writing it out, and by continuing this short quest placed in front of me, I now know I have found a solution to finding the answer I seek; even if I am afraid to do it.
I guess I need to go have a talk. Not just with Left Side and Right Side, not just with pen-to-paper — but to verbally state it to someone I can trust, or even to the person(s) it involves. With a heavy sigh, I guess I’ll have to do just that.
... now where’s the damn tissues? And my phone… I have a call to make.
Oh, by the way, sometimes, I feel like a confused child. Thank God I have adulthood tools work through them with.