By Kade Hemerson
“It’s just a matter time.” I think to myself. “Just time. Sit with it. This too, shall pass.” But I question “pass.” Sure, I feel like I’m “okay,” like I’ll survive. I have my moments of “it’s done” or “it’s over,” and I also have times of “I’m making it through,” and “I’m getting ahead,” but, it’s not passing.
Doesn’t passing mean we’ve overcome that [thing] in our life? Doesn’t it mean that we’ve overcome the obstacle that we were trying to get beyond, whether it is us passing it, or it passing us?
If this [thing] keeps coming back around, then we aren’t passing it, are we? No, rather we’re going in circles. We’re returning to the same place, over and over again. Even as it tries to leave us—to pass us—we do circles around it to inevitably, invariably, return.
When all we do is turn the same direction, we simply return to where we came FROM. Interestingly, we are still moving. We’re still taking action, we’re doing something—but perhaps that something isn’t actually correct.
There’s only one way to stop circling around it—quit going in the same direction...
... whether it’s turning another direction...
... or going straight.
We have to break our cycle. To break the cycle means making another change, and often after change, we’re dizzy and lost. It's a thing, it happens. We lose balance. Sometimes it is just feels easier to go back and re-run circles in the same direction again. At least we’ll know what’s going to happen; we’ll have to sit and repeat a mantra, beat-hopeless by our very own actions—“this, too, shall pass”—again. And again. And again.
What it takes to break the circular path I’m running in depends on what the issue is, the depth of its tracks, and how willing I am to take a different action than what I have been. I risk losing my bearings and perhaps even falling occasionally. It could be painful, but it might not be. The decision is usually up to me, unless I refuse to make the change—in which case, the decision is made for me, and that generally hurts.
I never thought I’d have to act against my own complacent habits to do myself a favor. Then again, I hadn’t realized I just kept passing circles, even after promising myself that I'd never spin like that again. Go figure.
I guess it’s time for change, time to grow. So here I am.
Hi, I'm Kade, a long-time friend of DL and a silent supporter (previously anonymous supporter, lol) of Drunkless and what Drunkless is about. When DL came to me and asked me to write a little about "daily life stuff," I agreed to do so. I'm not much of a writer, but change is change, and I'm seeing a lot of people changing in recovery, so I figured why not. I don't know how often I'll be doing some writing for Drunkless, and it may not be so much recovery-ish, but it is life-ish, and DL says that life is life, it's just that "we happen to be living life IN RECOVERY." So I guess I might write about some daily life stuff.
Well, enough about me. Tell me about you. Do you ever catch yourself running in circles, over and over, repeating the same things you are trying to escape from? Are you making progress on your self-improvement goals? And how do you get past the circle? I'm curious to see what everyone has to say.