The TV changed from one program to another with a BLIP!, and then on to the next, and then another. I was getting depressed again, sitting in my damn house, alone.
With a sigh, I killed the TV and tossed the remote down on the table. "Screw it." I thought, "I'll just go get some dinner." But, wait - I wasn't even hungry.
But before I knew it, I was driving to fast food joint, pissed off, self-loathing, and "giving up on this sh*t." To hell with the world! Who cares, anyway?!
Just this morning, as I rolled out of bed and meditated, I grew tired of my weight issue. I tried to silence it from my thoughts, as one would do with meditation, but try as I might, it weighed heavily on my heart (no pun intended). With a sigh, I reluctantly got on my knees, and asked my Higher Power to assist me with the issue, and to take it from me. Moments later, just before heading out the door for work, I read the Keep It Simple Silly blog posted just this morning, Be Careful What You Pray For.
Be careful indeed -- nothing is for free, we get trained on how to use it. Hence:
I started this blogging thing with one specific thing in mind: to learn how to express myself. This expression included venting, releasing, digging deep, lighting fires, telling the truth, being fully honest (with myself and others), laughing, talking, listening, and even the all-time-dreaded cr... cr... ah hell... you know, the water-dam-breaking thing. Eesh... can't even spell it out, WTH. Guess I've got more work to do... hence this very blog, really. Anyway...
It is something I pray about every single day, faithfully, and often throughout the day. Not just for Drunkless as an entity, but for the others that have helped me produce it and get it going in the first place; the people that freely contribute their time to make it what it is; and the viewers and readers and listeners and submitters and guests.
I came in contact with a gentleman earlier today (Tuesday) who sent in a Feature Friday submission and told a story so very close to mine, I almost burst into t... te... Damn it! The dam almost broke! (W.T.H!?) Anyway, it was, as we say here at Drunkless, "uniquely identical" to mine. So much so that it brought back forgotten feelings that I hate with a passion and never wanted to feel again. Ever.
I struck up a brief conversation with the man via email, and during this conversation, I was reminded what Drunkless was all about. Again. That's twice in less than a week now, the first time being Tami HarperWinn's latest blog, The Harvesting Season, posted just last Thursday. Not only was I reminded of the turning of the seasons in recovery, life, and relationships, but I was instilled with this determination to continue doing what I had set out to do; build a place for others to grow, express themselves, and shine the Light of Hope for someone else out there who may be confused and still suffering.
In Tami's blog, she wrote how Drunkless was a "... platform to jump from to test my wings." It was an ever important reminder to me of how Drunkless is helpful not only to the readers and listeners, but also to the very authors, hosts, and guests (both bloggers and podcasts) that write, sit behind the mic, and produce the very content we're honored and blessed to share!
Sometimes, such as today after work, I forget why I started Drunkless; what it was originally all about. Not that we've deviated from that, mind you, we're still very on track there; but that I, as an alcoholic/addict, sometimes forget to use it for what my Higher Power had designed it to be used for -- to learn to express. To learn to conquer the fears of opening up. To release, let go, and to live. To shine. To both provide hope, and to hope. To just simply BE.
As I pulled through the parking lot and approached the fast food joint's lane with the intercom, I hit the brakes. "Your not hungry, Scott. This will not make you feel any better."
WHAT?! Left Side and Right Side... ? They, they never try to talk me into doing the right thing... What could be happening here?
"You'll feel miserable, dude. Just leave."
"I don't know what to do!" I was confused. "I'm lost! I can't just go back home right now!" I thought.
But the the reality was, I did know what to do. Somehow, I knew... yes, yes. I'd been there before. I'd been there just a year ago, two years ago. I knew what to do; or not do -- and that was not go home yet.
"Go to that spot by the river!"
"Ya, you know, the one you keep meaning to check out, but haven't!"
Oh yes! Yes, maybe Left Side and Right Side had something going there! That peaceful little side spot, where only so many cars can park.
With little effort, I suddenly found myself pulling into the dirt lot. It was full. All full, except for that one car that was leaving, freeing up the last spot tucked under the perfect shade tree. How had this happened?
With the windows down, the breeze gently flowing across my seat, and bicyclists and walkers passing by, it was in this very moment I finally found the tranquility I know so little about, but for which I seek daily.
THIS is what it is all about, these pieces of serenity and stillness -- even alone.
Yet, not so alone. There are others out there who share stories so similar to mine that perhaps, just perhaps, they may understand the arguments inside the kind of addiction that I have. And once again, it has been this blessed Drunkless project that helped me find that to be true. Again.
I wiped the t... te... ah damn it... the little rivulet from my face. I pulled out my phone, and I began remembering why Drunkless existed in the first place. To help other people... and me. I'm a part of "others," after all.
So I sat there, near the river, helping myself by writing. By expressing. By reaching out and "talking" about my problems the only way I first learned how to do it nearly three years ago. All from my phone. And I rather enjoyed it, I might add.
May peace and serenity be with you. And thank you for "listening."