Overcoming my Committee
You ever just sit there and realize, “Damn. I’m a lucky guy [or gal as it may be]!”
If you haven’t, well, I assure you, you’re missing out. Here, let me attempt to explain by touching on something that’s hit me today (which is Monday, by the way… don’t be fooled by the series title!):
I’ve not been feeling well for a number of weeks. I had surgery at the beginning of December, and although that seems to be going okay, I’m still in some pain. To top it off, I can’t quite shake the cold/flu/what-ever-this-sickness-is-that-has-been-holding-me-hostage. I hate it. I wake up in the middle of the night because of my surgery, I wake up feeling like I was hit by a train, and typically, the combination means I didn’t get enough sleep and therefore overslept!
Yet – I make myself take a moment to be grateful I’m breathing, even if it is just a “Thanks for letting me put my feet on the ground.” It’s not always an easy task. Sometimes, I only get a few seconds, sometimes I forget until I’m almost to work, and sometimes, it’s the first thing out of my mouth in the morning. Sometimes.
Nonetheless, I feel like sh… well, crap. (I just suddenly had a sense that a kid was reading this for some reason… I really gotta watch myself these days, especially when I feel like sh… crap…)
And when I don’t feel well, I put out the “don’t feel good” vibes, which the Universe responds to as a request, and sends back “things to not feel good” about. It must have been strong this morning, because I accidentally spun-up a coworker. Or rather (and for more clarification), I simply relayed a message I thought he would want to be aware of, and WHIZ! he was off and spinning.
Now, I’m not going to go on about the issue, his reaction, or whether or not he had the right to feel that way (no matter how much I may agree), because that’s his story. However, I will tell you what transpired was this:
I inadvertently tapped into something in him. That briefly set him off, and in return, it began making me spin. Pretty soon I was on a warpath with my coworker, agreeing with all the misdeeds that had been taking place and arguing about how we should do something about it! “Let’s stop complaining, let’s just do something!!!” The heated discussion went on for at least an hour. We were going to say this, put so and so in their place, make this all right and the company would thank us for it! By god, we had a plan, and it was perfectly SOUND PROOF.
No, really. It was. Not one single person in my office could hear that loud conversation going off inside my head. Left Side and Right Side were making great arguments, and my unsuspecting coworker was agreeing without even being present.
Ya. It happens. I still go off my rocker in between these ears occasionally. Oi. But, truthfully, it’s okay. It’s okay because today, I recognized it. I actually recognized what was going on.
“Stop.” I demanded inside, much like I would imagine God telling the waters to be still. You can imagine the surprise from Left Side and Right Side as the command echoed. “Why, why, WHY are you having this conversation, DL?”
“Why?!” Left Side began as Right Side continued, “Do you disagree?! Did you not hear what these guys are trying to do here?!”
I calmly replied, “This isn’t real. This isn’t happening, not right here. Not right now. Not in this moment where I am standing.” I had no idea how I knew that, but I knew it was true – there was no argument happening, no one was on the warpath with me, and the reasoning behind the fight was truthfully not anything to take up arms over. At all. And somehow, I knew this.
In my past, I would not have seen it. Instead, I would have spun on it for hours up on hours, if not days, weeks, or even until I was so worked up that I would have to call in sick over it. Funny thing is – I AM sick, and yet, I was there at work, recognizing something that would have wrecked days of my happiness. But not today. No, today, I saw it happening. Better yet, quite instinctively, I picked up some of the tools I’ve gained in my recovery and I put them to use with a knowledge I’d also learned from my recovery.
I stopped. I become mindful and acutely aware of my surroundings as I meditated for a few moments. I was HERE, right NOW. Not mistreated and bitter in the past, not retaliating or worried in the future. I was HERE. I was NOW.
Then I reached out with my heart and spoke words of kindness, compassion, love, and prayed for understanding, for their peace and serenity, for their wellbeing. I could feel the words of tenderness flowing from my chest as I wished only good fortune on those that I had perceived as “wrong” or “incorrect.”
Then I stretched my shoulders back, opening up my heart, and became grateful for what I did have, who I had in my life, the joys that had been presented to me from all aspects, including Life itself; and then I accepted the warmth and comfort of knowing that no matter what, I will be okay.
Serenity had hit me in that moment, and although it may not be with me on my entire day’s journey, it was there for that moment of HERE and NOW.
This is how I make it through my day. Sometimes I struggle throughout the day, other days it seems like I’m never bothered, but in any case, when I make it through, these are some of the tools I’ve learned to use.
- Become mindful, live HERE, live NOW
- Wish for the best on those I’m angry with and resentful towards
- Open up my heart with gratitude
It works. Just gotta do it.
So, that’s the beginning of my week. I’d like to say that I’m looking forward to what’s coming next, but the old adage comes to mind, “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.”