Fear of Failure
By Steve Anonymous
Knowing and accepting that I will never be cured from my gambling addiction brings with it a fear. Coupled with the fact that I have slipped up before adds additional pressure of failing again.
The fear of failure could have significant consequences in my life where I would probably break up my family and could lose my job. This addiction is very powerful and unforgiving, therefore who knows where I would end up if gave it back control of my life - maybe I would end up killing myself....
Another fear would be complacency as that has burnt me in the past and as I get closer to 5 years gamble free I know in the back of my mind the addiction will be telling me I no longer need GA and I am now cured as It did back in 2008 when I turned my back on G.A. This is where I must do things differently this time as I do not want to repeat the same mistakes.
Do these fears define my recovery on a daily basis?
I try to focus on the positive and take things one day at a time. If my thoughts are focussed on failure then the law of attraction would suggest that I would attract failure. It's not that I want to forget about some of the bad things I have done in the past through gambling but I accept I cannot change anything that have happened in the past.
I get a constant reminder of the misery gambling can cause when I attend my weekly G.A meetings but I am a firm advocate of enjoying recovery rather than living in fear of failure. The difficulty is looking too far ahead and as an addict I cannot say I will never have another bet and that can cause fear however just for today I will not gamble and that is a lot more manageable.
I would like to think that if I did have another bet that I could be honest with my wife and we could sort things out straight away. However the fear failure would be if history repeats itself and I secretly return to gambling and lie to my wife and family about it. As I know the consequences of that and the major damage it would cause to our relationship which would be irreparable.
Back to my G.A meetings again and that is where I turn to my higher power to guide me in the right direction and that is why I try and do 2 meetings a week as the power in the rooms is phenomenal. I give the illness the respect it deserves and take no chances. Barriers firmly in place and I keep as far away from gambling as I possibly can.
So although I am conscious of the fear of failure I try to channel my thoughts into practical ways to work on my recovery. Filling my time with positive experiences (spending precious time with my family and friends) rather than worrying about slipping up.
Although as I have been writing this blog it has certainly made me reflect on this topic more than I had previously thought about. So thanks to the Drunkless team for planting this seed and hope the seed grows into something fantastic.
Enjoy your recovery folks and if you do fail don't be afraid to start again from day 1. Never quit trying to battle your addiction, keep that desire at the front of your mind. My story would suggest that failure does happen but I don't feel like a failure at the moment. I've had to roll my sleeves up and start again wth my recovery. Two and a half years down the line I am so glad I accepted this addiction had beat me again and now I want others who are struggling to be in the position I am in now.
The 2 most important things I have from recovery is peace of mind and self respect and these things are priceless. Gambling is not just about money and my mental health and wellbeing is in a far better place now I am not gambling. I am now looking at running my first marathon next year and although I have a small fear of failure in the back of my mind, the underlying thoughts are regarding the challenge of running a marathon and how proud I would feel crossing that finishing line.
Don't be defined by your mistakes and turn them into positives. Learn from failure, think differently, change your behaviours and hopefully you will get different results.
My name Steve and i am compulsive gambler. No bets today, no bets since 18th October 2014.
1 day at a time