Just a tad on Life
For a while there, I was feeling like I wasn't doing my duty for my readers, and technically, I haven't been.
When I began Drunkless, it was about learning to open up, express, and talk -- to self-improve and learn about myself and Life -- on a daily basis. I did that for quite some time before creating this public website, drunkless.com.
When I created this site, its intention was super simple and clean: if someone can see the troubles I'm going through (no matter how big or small) and they can see that I'm making it, then perhaps they could find just the sliver of hope that they could, too, and make it through that day. One day. Tomorrow will take care of itself, as any seasoned recoverist will know (is that a word? It should be a word, "recoverist." If recoverist is not a word, it should be a word... but if that's not, well -- I'm using it anyway. ;) ).
This was what it was all about -- providing hope to someone else! I had learned that writing, getting it out, was such an important part of living in recovery, that I wanted others to see and feel the glory that comes along with it!
But that wasn't the entire answer. Behind the writing, there's also work. Some of it is fun. Some of it is necessary. Some of it just plain ol' stinks. Like recovery. A LOT like recovery, in fact.
So when I look back, and I realize that I haven't been writing every day, that it went from (literally) seven days a week, down to five, then four, then two or three, to one... and now, if I'm lucky it seems, once every two weeks... I get discouraged. Or upset, maybe. Frustrated. Irritated. Like I'm FAILING. Failing.
That fear of failure.
But what am I failing at? What is it that I would actually be failing at?
I mean, firstly, I'm alive. Not just alive, but sober. And not just sober, either -- I'm living in recovery! That's a big deal when roughly 3 1/2 years ago I was living in death... I just couldn't die!
So, I'm not failing just because I'm not writing consistently. But, wait here... what do we mean by consistently?
Well, if we're refering to my blog series, Daily Life, then ya -- I've kinda slacked there. But, with a couple glances to the left and to the right, I realize that I've been doing a TON of work with the website. Updates, refreshes, policies, blog additions, etc. And that's not including the wonderful podcasts that my team puts together, either (with a new something-something coming just around the corner!... <pleasurable snicker>). I've been so busy I can hardly BREATHE!
So that brings me to some <gulp> accountability. Talking about all this usefulness going on, and all this self-help, and all this writing to help others find hope for another day... and I've been completely neglecting some of my own step work. Interestingly, it wasn't until I started writing this very blog that it clicked with me that 1) ya, I'm still writing (though not as much as I would like), but that 2) perhaps I'm not writing enough. Not where I need to.
<sigh> (ya, a lot of sighing this time around)
The Drunkless stance on being a Crew Member states very specifically in rule #1, and I quote:
(as of November 13, 2015)
"1. First and foremost, Drunkless must not be allowed to stand in the way of a crew member's own recovery. Period."
I wrote that in there so that others would be aware that it is okay to take a break, that they owe no one but themselves anything (as far as self care is concerned) and that Drunkless isn't going to pressure them in any way to get something to post -- it's RECOVERY FIRST!
And yet -- I'm pressuring myself. To the point of frustration sometimes. (Why do I do that to myself?) I've said it before: I am a part of "others." Rereading the previous paragraph, I'm breaking my own rule, the very one that I stress so much to my bloggers and podcasters, those who've blessed me with the opportunity to host their gifts.
<sigh> (ya, I know...)
I'm writing in all the wrong places, pressuring myself to keep Drunkless afloat, and not finding the time to write where I should be -- my "relief" writings (blogs) and my step work. I guess maybe I've been closing my door a little to much... damn fear of failure. So I'm going to let you guys see in, so that I can see out. By accountability. By example. By leadership -- something pretty knew to me, really.
That's just a tad on Life for me these days. I guess i ought to hit the sack... it's nearly 2:40 AM.
< si --- okay, I won't do it... <yawn> ;) >