Introducing a Piece of Lea
Admin's Note: Welcome to Lea's blog, Torn! She's very excited to be diving in and growing here on Drunkless, and we're super excited to have her along! That's one thing we're definitely about -- growth! With our growing pains, we can relate to some of those around us who feel lost and aimless, and create connections through our voices and experiences. In these connections, we can provide hope for another day.
Let's give Lea a nice, warm welcome! Glad you've come along!
Introducing a Piece of Lea
By Lea Tweet
Today was a good day. I felt productive, I had fun with my daughter, cleaned my house and had my friend came over for dinner and a movie. Dinner was great, the movie was awesome and it was fun to spend adult time with my girlfriend. But today I lacked in my recovery. I didn't go to the meeting I was planning on going to. The movie ran late, my daughter and I were still in jammies and my friend was over. I don't spend much friend time these days and it was easy to put off. But the reality is... I feel I put off meetings a lot. I don't feel bad about not going. But I have this perceived idea of everything I should do in life. In all aspects. My parenting, my recovery, my job/career, my family & friends. I expect more of myself always. Naturally I do this. But not only do I have the highest expectations of myself, but I want more. I always want more. I want to be a better cook, I want to teach my daughter more. I want to do more in my community and I want to do more in my recovery. I want my house cleaner, my stuff organized and I crave this perfection.
My life does not currently look anything like those expectations of course. I wouldn't necessarily say that they are unattainable expectations though. I can handle this high pressure pretty well. My day never goes as planned, ever, not even once. I'm definitely okay with that too.But really is this me trying to control everything? My intentions are great and I just want to be better. Better in every way.I have goals for myself. I have daily, short term, and some long term. I know I am capable of achieving these goals. I have faith in myself, in life, and ultimately with my Higher Power. I have came to believe in a higher power through my recovery, and I truly believe. But my relationship with my higher power isn't what I would like it to be either. I know I have so much work to do in every single area in my life. But instead of taking one thing at a time and accomplishing small things every day or week, I feel as though I'm stagnant.I have sat down before and wrote out my goals, I have seen where my time is going, and I've scheduled and calendared everything. I have tried to get in this "daily" outline for the last couple years now. But I can't seem to accomplish it all.
To be honest, I'm exhausted, I'm broke and I don't want to be an adult most of the time. I have a problem. I want all these things in my life right? I want things to start getting easier and more things to fall into place. I pray about it and put it into the Universe. But it's not happening. I'm sure an outsider could look in on my daily life and see progress. I know I am surely progressing and I am really proud of myself for what I have already accomplished. But for instance... My weight.
So I had my daughter almost 2 years ago and I haven't lost any weight. I mean maybe a few but nothing more than like 5 or 6 lbs and I gained the amount of a full size pregnant rottweiler. I know what I need to do too. I got a gym membership and work out videos. I started eating healthier and worked out with a routine for a few weeks. But that's it. I always break my "healthy" eating habits and I dropped working out all together. Only because life happened. I was super busy, constantly doing something. I went with the flow and decided to squeeze this in hear and that in there. Things were going great. I felt confident and prideful. Maybe that was my problem. I triggered this need of having more. I was incapable of just being, long enough to have true results. The reason why I was unable, is because I started those expectations. I got this idea in my mind that my life was getting better so then next I will do this, and then... I took away the skill of being focused at one thing at a time. I started seeing the big picture instead of doing right now. I made plans to take step by step but was unable to focus because of this big picture.
Today I didn't meet all of my expectations. Although, I did accomplish quite a bit. I feel good about myself. Less than a week ago I would have been laying in bed and planning on doing things I missed today and even more things I had planned tomorrow. But of course when you do things like that I prioritize. I have this personality trait that I always put myself last. Especially being a single mother. I might pray everyday but never for myself. I make sure my daughter is taken care of before everything else in my life.
But tomorrow I am going to do things differently. Tomorrow I am going to practice letting go of trying to control everything, intentional and not.I want to enjoy the little things in life and enjoy every second that I have. Be present for the special moments and be useful. Let go and let God. No, not tomorrow. Today, right now I will.