Feature Friday, Anonymous Blog

I Survived

Editors Note:
Drunkless has stated it time and again, and we're going to reiterate it one more time: some of the stories we're going to post are going to be hard hitting stories. Please read them with an open mind and compassion.  Understand that writing here on Drunkless serves a number of purposes, among them is the ability to open up and find relief for the author of the piece, but also so the readers know that they are not alone and that there is hope for a better life. It is through sharing our experience that we find ourselves and shine a light for those still lost and hurting. Perhaps the light will be seen by someone still searching. Perhaps it will help them find their own path. And perhaps it will help them make the choice to not die, but to live, to reach out, and find the happiness that can exists.  Just perhaps, it will give someone the strength and hope to carry on.  Perhaps. But that can't happen if we keep it to ourselves.

By Anonymous

She burst into the bedroom door screaming her head off, using every cuss word known to man. Bible in hand she has each one of us come up and put our right hand on the bible as we do so she asks “are you lying, swear you are not lying on the bible and if you lie God will send you to hell.” As we swear our innocence she scowls at us and degrades us for any mistake we have made that came to her mind. She humiliates us in front of each other. Not satisfied with our testimonies she has us each bend over our bed and starts wailing on us with the belt. At this point we are all crying and begging for her to stop “Mom please don't it hurts”. She ignores our pleas and tells us to shut the fuck up. Then again, she asks us if we are rotten little liars. We admit we are to appease her and at this point she says we are all going to Hell then leaves. She goes to call a friend and tell them how she just had to beat the shit out of us.

This was my only knowledge of God at the age of 6 years old, I thought he hated me and I was going to Hell. Repetitively my mother would use him against us to guilt us and shame us. She would abuse us physically day in and day out. To this woman we were little shits that ruined her life. To this woman she saw us as disposable humans and that better jump at her every beck and call. She never showed any love or concern for us and would rip apart anything that made us happy. We did not deserve to be happy we had to be miserable like her at all times. There was 4 of us children all girls she hates us even more because we weren't boys like she wanted and felt she deserved.

She locked us in the closet with her while in a drunken emotional break down. We are all crying, my father was banging on the door to let us out. In this break down she was telling God to just take her already, kill her and us. She was a sobbing mess and started screaming and yelling. Eventually to a calm she sulks saying she sees her dead mother in heaven telling her to go home with her. Mother reaches up pretending to be talking to her deceased mother, telling her to kill her already so she can live in peace.

At 7 years old I realized my mother was crazy because of this incident. The drunken mental break downs never stopped, they slowed down but continued to happen and she would always ask God to “ just kill her already”. She would then turn on us her children when she shook out of the break down and blame us for her misery blame us for her past hurts. We took on the blame inside feeling like it was our fault, feeling like we were bad children.

The 10 PM loud music and drinking with sniffing some coke led to the 2 AM fist fights and loud arguments. Lying in bed I hear my parents yelling at each other nonstop, throwing stuff. The 4 of us sisters huddle up crying not knowing what else to do. My mother screams that my dad is never there and if he is he is always drunk or high. My father comes back at her and says she’s also always drunk and such a shitty person. This continues for a few hours until they are too exhausted to fight. When this happened my father would take longer loads and be away from home more, leaving us alone with her. He would not come home on the weekends and never spent time with us, by avoiding her he abandoned us.

We are sitting at the dinner table together no dad again. Mother is about to play one of her favorite games with us. She would instigate fights between us and talk poorly to each other about each other. Then later after we were so angry at one another she would push us to fight each other and laugh about it. Mother calls my name, taunts me and calls me a “white girl" since we are Mexican that is supposed to be a huge insult to me.... She tells me don’t be a wimp if you hate her so much then fight her, go for it. So we would fight and yell all in front of her. The older sibling was her hit-man so if any of us 3 younger ones acted up she sent the older sibling after us. Mother intentionally caused drama amongst us so we would hate each other and fight each other for her entertainment purposes.

Getting older I started to feel really depressed and that maybe I wouldn’t make it to 18 that maybe this woman would be the death of me. So one day I loaded her shot gun while everyone else was gone. I looked down the barrel of the shot gun and contemplated suicide for an hour… Eventually at 13 I drank to numb that feeling. This wasn’t my first suicidal thought or attempt.
My first suicidal thought was at the age 7 after my mother had beat me one day for talking back to her. I snuck a kitchen knife to the bathroom and held it to my neck. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking I was such an awful kid, thinking I deserved to be dead. I cried and eventually put the knife back without anyone else ever knowing I felt this way.

Mother didn’t care about anyone else but herself. She was lazy and unmotivated just barked orders at us all day and neglected us. She would insult us any possible way and expose our insecurities to belittle us. If somehow she didn’t get her way with something she would blame us. She would beat us, strangle us, throw stuff at us, and do almost anything to bring physical harm to us. She felt superior in her actions and justified because she was raised the same way.

I made it to 18 and escaped her house of horror only to enter another one. At this time I marry to get away from all of them and I moved. Not even 2 years in we are having problems I am dealing with a man that has control and jealousy issues. We separate and I come back home only to eventually be threatened by him saying he will take our kid from me and I am forced back into the marriage. Just before we make this miserable attempt to reconcile I party it up and find myself blacking out at parties which led to an unplanned pregnancy and at this point I wasn’t sure who the father was or when I had sex last, if I was blacked out. I have an abortion to avoid these consequence of my black out. At this time I still have a resentment towards God and figure I am going to hell anyway....

Moving back with the husband my relationship only made me feel more isolated and made me more mentally unstable. I contemplated killing this man in his sleep after being secluded and having no way to make any outside contact. After not hearing from me for 3 months my mother notified the Red Cross and made contact with me. I moved back as taking a break in our marriage but only to find myself at my mother’s home.
Seems as soon as you grow up and move out everything that happened in the family is swept under the rug as if it didn’t happen. As if you are simply to forgive and forget and keep your mouth shut. At this time I had no other place to go but with her and I was pregnant by my husband again.

I was 22 and my parents were finally getting divorced, my divorce was to follow shortly after my mothers. While living with her the mental abuse eventually came back she was still negative and didn’t like I was still married. She encouraged affairs and would always bash the husband to encourage my hate for him. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and she would find something to argue about constantly. 

I finally had enough and at 8 months pregnant with my second child I moved in with my father. After having my 2nd kid I drank often with my dad it was our only way of bonding. The drinking started to become heavier as time went on. I eventually found myself in situations I never thought I would be faced with. I got my first DUI at the age 23. Eventually did some time for having too many FTA’S. I was warming up to the idea of friends with benefits and convincing myself married men weren't off limits either.

This part was not my rock bottom. I continued to drink after my DUI and drank excessively, drank to black out. I was gone every weekend and maintained a buzz all week. My kids would go with my mother or their biological father’s parents. I had a job and my bosses would cover for me when I wanted to do day drinking. I eventually lost my job and was living off government assistance until I became too lazy to file for that. I became homeless and lost all contact with any family.

I was living with an acquaintance whom loved to party and have sex with strangers. She drank nonstop and always had to have a guy around. At this point my soon to be ex-husband had took the kids from me and I had filed for my divorce. I was hitting my low gradually. I started to drink real heavy and would take any opportunity to get out of the place I was at.

One day I locked myself out of her place and was so mad at myself for the life I was living. I felt so much self-hate and guilt inside I was done with myself. I then wrote a suicide note in my phone and decided this would be the day I kill myself, I felt like such a failure to my kids and hopeless. I had planned my suicide out and made sure someone would find my note. As night came and the person I was living with came home she proceeded to tell me that a person I didn’t like was coming over so I left to the bar.

I went to a local bar and met with a friend who introduced me to a few older guys. Some other guys entered and recognized me from a previous party and started going on about how wasted I was and how much I was puking. I started to drink with my friend and these 2 older guys. 2 am and closing time came closer. My friend had received a booty call so she bailed on me and told me I can trust her company. The 2 older guys said lets go drink at another bar because one of them had keys to it.

I don’t remember leaving the first bar but I remember being at the second one and drinking so many shots. I remember bullshitting with the 2 guys and making jokes. Then things become real blurry. The guy who had keys was pissed off at me for opening liquor I wasn’t supposed too so he had us all leave. I remember going outside and started walking…. Then I remember being in a truck and crying, I am in and out of consciousness and can’t really make sense of anything. The guy driving is yelling at me for making a phone call and he seems to be driving a lot farther then where I lived

I black out

I come back too and I am being stripped naked out in a dirt field. I am regaining consciousness at this time and try fighting him off of me. He pushes me down on my stomach and pins me long enough to penetrate me. I am squirming so much I managed to roll over. He starts to slap me and pin me down again. At this time I am screaming, I am yelling that I have kids and want to see them grow old. He starts to choke me and inside I’m apologizing to both of my sons for being a bad mom. I beg God to please save me. As I am being choked I feel like I am going down a dark tunnel with gray colored hands grabbing at me. I ask god again please save me God I don’t want to die.

I wake up to myself running through a field. I don’t remember getting away but I am running half naked and finally see a house. I come up to the homes back door and start pounding on it. Someone finally answers. The police are called and come out. The next 24 hours were mentally and physically draining as I recount what happened and tell my story over and over. As I wait for a specialist to do a rape test kit. These were my last hours drunk this was my last time being in this altered state of mind. I had a lot to reflect on and so much realization hit me. I had hit my rock bottom and the irony in it was that on that day I decided I was going to kill myself that I wanted to die.... Then I get kidnapped and almost killed only to realize I didn't want to die at all. It was a tragic situation but I learned from it.

God saved me and gave me a second chance. All I had to do was ask him and live for him.
After being saved I turned my life over to God fully.

Two years sober I started to feel the stress of the world on me, my home was broken into, I moved out and didn't have a stable place for me and my kids. I was still riding the bus. I found help after one day I grabbed a beer out of my sister’s fridge and thought about drinking it. I started seeing an AOD counselor that helped me gain the tools I needed in my recovery. It has not been easy but I am now 5 years and 8 months sober. Married to a man whom is also over 5 years sober been together 3 years and met in AA when we both were over 2.5 years sober. I had 2 more kids with my husband so a total of 4 and God has blessed me abundantly. I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. Unfortunately my mother is still in her addiction and even after everything I don't hate her but I refuse to have anything to do with her. In my first years of sobriety I genuinely tried with her but I couldn't, she insisted on always drunk calling or bringing up my past to hurt me. She remains in my prayers.

Not a day goes by where I am humbled and know because of his love I was saved. I talk to God all the time and he has helped me work through a lot of issues. I rely on him for everything and I will continue to stand with him fighting for my life.