I Know I’ll Be Okay, in a Moment
By Kade Hemerson
I’m sitting here tonight wondering how I’m going to make it through my next few… moments. That is hours, days, weeks—potentially months and years. How am I going to handle this, especially in light of how I feel right at this very moment? This very moment.
I’m no angel. I’m not perfect in any sense of the word, but I certainly try to do what I feel is best at the time, and once in a while, I nail it. The rest of the time, it’s just a struggle with knowing whether or not I did the right thing, and sometimes I find out otherwise—usually it seems to be on the “learning” side of the decision. I hate that part, because most of the time it seems to be more painful than I thought it would be. Nonetheless, I try my hardest to do what’s right. I guess that’s really all there is, isn’t there? Then again, I truthfully feel that most of us do try to do what’s right, with the obvious exceptions of some people, of course.
I used to claim that there were no expectations, but then would later find myself resentful of the situation or the people involved. I didn’t realize at the time, especially early on in my recovery, that expectations come in many sizes and many shapes, including ones that seem quite honest and innocent. A decision can be made, whether fully understood or not, that is based on the “hope” of something going a certain way. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t—but what happens if it doesn’t? What if this decision comes back in a painful way and resentments begin to build, whether towards a person, place, or situation, or towards oneself? It happens. I know this to be true, because it’s happened to me. Sadly, on more than one occasion.
So I sit here, trying to figure out how for weeks I’ve let this thing go on further and further, trying to “fix” a misunderstood “hope,” and realizing that it was a much bigger expectation than I had ever realized. I find myself struggling, asking myself, “How can you be so damn stupid?” and “What the hell were you thinking, you idiot?” Beating myself up! Cutting myself down! Ripping myself apart in so many ways! “AUGH! How am I going to make this all go away? So much time and effort into something that’s not going as I thought it was!”
If I keep that up, I’ll become suicidal. Again.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in recovery, it’s how to recognize. I’m still working on the let go part, but in order to let go, one must know what to let go of first, and although I’m no great example of how to do that, I am someone who’s learned it on some basic level. So I sit here this evening, recognizing what I’ve done in this situation, recognizing my part, where I went wrong, and trying to find a resolve. How am I going to get past these next few… moments? This moment right now?
All moments pass. All of them. There is not one single moment that we have that won’t pass, I can assure everyone of that. The question we might ask is how long is the moment? Some will take longer than others, for instance, the loss of a loved one, the theft of property, the betrayal of a friend. Some will pass quickly, like the guy that flips us off when we were trying to let them in our lane but they didn’t move fast enough (just sayin’). How long we linger on the situation will determine greatly how long it lasts, and if anybody out there is anything like me, we want it to end NOW, but won’t let it go. It’s like being dragged under water by a speed boat. Let go of the rope, and we can come up for air. Hang on, we drown.
As I begin to see the problem, my part in the “innocent expectation,” I begin to realize that the moment I’m in is not only of my doing, but also my option to undo. Yes, it’s true that some will undo much more easily than others, but all moments have an out once we’re in it. How quickly I choose to get through it, for the most part, is up to me.
So how am I getting past it? Well, I’m not. I mean, I am—slowly, time will tell, I guess. I’m using some of the tools I’ve learned in my recovery, but I just wish it would go away, yet it won’t. It’s not helping any that I keep grabbing it back to argue in my head. Ya, I tend to have way more conversations up there than I should. But there are ways to combat the internal fight, or as DL always puts it: to stop Left Side and Right Side from arguing with Me.
Here’s what I’ve been doing lately, and to clarify, these help tremendously but don’t make the problem go away. That takes time, effort, work, and sometimes… sometimes admitting that our “hope” was an expectation all this time. Anyway, what I’ve been doing:
- Sitting with the feelings
- Letting Go
- Finding Gratitude
- Being positive
- Taking action to change
So, this is real life for me right now, and the above list helps me a lot. A LOT. And it’s in these moments, when I’m doing number 1 and 2, that I usually find 3 and begin 4, 5, and 6. Once I accept it, writing helps me release and bring to light many nooks and crannies and work through the details where I can then find gratitude in what I do have, think positive about where I’m at, and see what I can change to make my part better, and then do it.
So, I know I’ll be okay, in a moment.