Wow. So weird, but I think I could get used to this...
I've heard it said that to trust is to know that you're enough, and when you know you're enough, you can then begin to trust.
I came home today and tried to work on some Drunkless stuff. I finally had the chance to actually get ahead, so I decided to do what I could. There was one major problem, though. I couldn’t stay awake. I was getting frustrated, because I just wanted to get some work done, but my body was saying, “Absolutely not! I’m tired, and I’m going to go to sleep! So if you want to just sit there, FINE. I’m out!”
Needless to say, Body won. I crawled under the covers about three hours early, just around 9:00 PM.
And I slept.
Then… POP! I was wide awake. This is what I was afraid of and was one of the reasons I was trying to avoid going to bed early to begin with! "Now I am going to toss and turn all night long and get frustrated and irritated and cranky!" ...
... or — I could choose not to. I've been told time and again to just "trust the process."
So I sat up, stretched, and went to get some water. Afterwards, I sat down at the computer and began working on something entirely different than I had initially intended to when I first got home. In a span of about 40 minutes or so, I was done and had it ready to email off. Wow. I had been dreading working on that part of the project, so I'd been procrastinating with it. Not so much that it was a hard thing to work on, but because it meant I was going to have to give up something I was having a hard time giving up — I just didn’t know it until that moment.
You see, giving up this piece means that I have to trust. Trust is something I clench very tightly to, I don’t give it out freely. Trusting would mean that I knew I was okay with what I'd done, that things were going to be set in the hands of someone else, and that it would be [mostly] out of my control. It meant that I wanted it to be acceptable on some grandiose level; that what I had accomplished was okay to someone other than me; trust that what I'd done wasn't going to somehow be turned around and used knock me down or chew me up and spit me out. It meant that I had to believe that this person I relinquished the email to would have good intentions and a good heart, and knowing that everything would be okay.
I mean, let's make no muss about it, there is a level where trust has to be earned, everyone knows and expects that -- it's natural law. But there’s also a level of trust that just has to be accepted, and that’s the hard part for me. Its like that for most of us alcoholics and addicts, I think. Whether it’s been because we’ve been screwed over or we just never learned that it was okay, I don’t know, but that’s how it is for me. In my past, I'd been humiliated enough times after exposing myself that to leave the door unlocked, much less opened, has been unthinkable.
I sat there staring at the email for a bit, hovering over the send button, contemplating whether or not I should send it. "Maybe I need to correct it some more” my perfectionism pleaded for procrastination. “Maybe I’ll sound stupid or maybe I’ve over complicated it or maybe I’ve not given enough instruction and it will simply be confusing or…” Believe me, Left Side and Right Side have heydays with moments like these. The taunting is usually endless, except…
My phone. At nearly 1:00 AM!
“What the?” I thought. “Who’s up at this hour?” (Right? because people like me don’t really exist, typing up emails and blogs at midnight and beyond… eh hem.)
I resisted the urge to look, but curiosity got the better of me, so I got up and snagged my phone.
Now, Facebook has a relatively new feature, which I’ve used before, called “Live.” If anyone is unfamiliar with it, it is, quite simply put, a live sessions of whatever one wants to record. And as such, it was being utilized by one of my Facebook friends, who was sitting there playing a guitar... at nearly 1:00 AM. God only knows where, but she had a physical audience of at least three people, and an online audience that wavered from 3 to 6 of us.
As I watched this gal play, two things occurred to me.
- She’s having fun. She’s having a good time, and that resonated not only with me, but to other members watching her, wether physically there or online. I could see and hear the gleeful comments being made, and she was having the same effect on me — I was no longer in this state of worry or fear about this email I was about to send out. Rather, I was becoming quite delighted by the music she was playing, just perfectly enough to allow the laughter to radiate from her location to wherever each one of us online were at.
- She was obviously trusting people. I mean, look at her — she’s playing her guitar, laughing at the few mishaps she played, admitting that she couldn’t remember all the words or chords, and just enjoying her life in that moment with her friends. She was trusting that she could be who she was, and that it would not adversely affect her being, her friendships, or her ability to enjoy LIFE. She was providing, for me anyway, a level of hope I hadn’t seen in a while. I wanted what she had, her level of trust in the unknown moments. I want to be able to get in front of people and not care about how I look, or how I sound — to trust that everything will be okay, to trust that "they" won't ruin or humiliate me, to trust that I was enough that they couldn't ruin or humiliate me. I wanted to be able to send a simple, instructional email, with mistakes and mishaps, perhaps even somewhat confusing, and be OKAY with it. I wanted to trust just being HUMAN.
So I take another step in that direction. With no more thought about how the document looked or how confusing I had made it, I hit the send button and listened to my mail app SWOOSH! it away. It was done. I know have to trust that when it is received at the other end that I won't be judged or hated, and that -- mistakes and all -- they recipient will still want to converse with me.
And yes -- I really go through this with Left Side and Right Side occasionally, but I'm taking that next step forward anyway.
Know what else? I was … happy. Happy, awake, and suddenly getting sleepy. Not wired and getting drained -- just awake, and getting sleepy.
With a sigh and a burst of half laugh/half relief, I'm going to finish this very late-night blog, and bid everyone a happy rest and a fair day tomorrow. I’m heading off to my Second Bedtime. Maybe I'll make this late-night trust thing a habit. Hmmm.
Be at peace, trust the process and know that you are enough.