Selfishness, self-centeredness. This is the root of the disease. One of the hardest moments of my recovery was the day I fully comprehended what that meant. It was a horrible feeling once I realized I am a selfish ass who is only interested in what I want or what I can get out of a situation. I felt doomed. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. I literally felt no hope as I let the fear that I might never change creep over me like a dark cloud. Almost at once I realized how irrational that fear is. If there is one thing that AA can promise, it is a solution to our disease and guaranteed changes. Nothing in this program is static. It is an ever changing program. While relying on God and doing his work, He reaches down and makes the necessary changes.
After my selfishness realization I was really scared. How in the heck can I stop being selfish and change my ways? Impossible. But later on that day I went to a meeting. The topic was "Just For Today."
Holy mackerel! It clicked!
I suddenly understood the true meaning of that phrase. I simply cannot quit being selfish and live a selfless life, free from hurting others with my ways. But what I can do is act selfless today. Just for today. I can do something that's not just for me, think of someone else and how I might be able to be of service. Whew! What a relief to know I don't have to be selfless forever. I don't have to be sober forever either, but if I stay sober just for today, I think I might just be OK!
I do it because it works.
I do it because I live a life of recovery.