It’s been a while since I’ve written a "real" blog, and although I wanted to sit and write daily, I decided to wait until I was 100% moved from my old place and into my new before I posted a real one. I have to tell you, it was very hard to not sit and just write. I had so much going on but didn’t have the time necessary, and although I wrote several blogs during the move, I simply couldn’t edit and prepare the writings for publishing – so I didn’t get them up (with the exception of a few, more specifically this one (click here to read it)).
During this transition from living-with-people to living-entirely-alone, I’ve become quite lonely, leading to depression, fear, and a loss of value and usefulness. As the disconnect of loneliness grew, old thoughts of self-worthlessness began to haunt me and I began to feel the intense fear – again – of begin forever-alone.
These are old, deep rooted thoughts and fears for me, making life miserable and questionable; what is the use in trying anymore? It seemed that the more I looked for comfort, the more evidence I had to disprove my worthiness.
A few immediate, albeit short term, resolutions had crossed my mind, all ending in a way I have been trying to avoid. I began to shrink into an old world that I knew all too well, one I had dreaded living in, yet hopelessly existed in, for years upon years.
I was falling.
But then, I recalled something. Something I would not have ever remembered had I not been sober and in recovery…
ZJ has always reminded me that what we put out to the Universe, she will oblige. She will bring to fruition our dreams, desires, and whatever it is that we’re thinking the most about. But Mother God never just lets us writhe in misery, causing us to radiate only negative vibes which manifest into our worst nightmares – no. The Creator, Life, The Great Unknown, God – our Higher Power – talks to us first. She encourages us with positivity, warns us of our impending dangerous thinking, and gives us a chance to choose.
So my Higher Power began providing me with signs. These signs came in many variations, from comments, to quotes, to affirmations, to pep talks, to inspirations and “ah ha!” moments. They came abundantly, full on.
First sign: Quit fighting it, and acknowledge it.
The more I tried to avoid the negative thoughts and the more I tried to push them away, the more I thought about the very thing I was forcing into the dark. I had to accept that it was there. Face it, realize it, and acknowledge it – regardless of how lonely or frightening it was. Often, more than once.
Next sign: Just let go; release the ropes – “it” will go where it will go.
It’s like standing on a dock, holding the rope to a cruise ship. I can hold on to it all I want, but I cannot stop it from doing what it is going to do; when that thing leaves, it will simply pull me under. I have to let go if I want to come up for air.
Then it was a confusing sign, at least for a moment: Stop looking, and start SEEING.
“Well that makes no sense!”
“I see when I look!”
“I know! How can anyone see something without looking at it?”
“This is crazy! Dude, we have a Higher Power that is losing their mind!”
“I have half a mind to look for a new Higher Power! -- er, wait a minute here…”
And on and on Left Side and Right Side would argue. I’m sure you can relate, at least on some level, no?
So I had to stop looking for the things that make me “happy.” Quit searching for the answers, the solutions, the Big Golden Nugget. Just stop – and choose to see what I already had.
I was being told to acknowledge that I am alone, to recognize that. To let it go, “So what? I am alone, there’s no harm in that, people still know who I am and what I stand for, and love me as such.” To see what is in front of me, appreciate what I truly do have.
It suddenly became clear to me. I wasn’t in a thistle field just to be lost and hurt. I was in a thistle field to learn to appreciate what was there – the beautiful, purple flowers. Once I slowed down and saw the flowers, I could stop focusing on the sting of the thorns, because I could focus on what was right in front of me .
This week, I was blessed with the company of a good friend in my new home. She needed to write a story for a submission and she invited me to go with her to a coffee shop. I had some work to do on some photographs, and my blog laptop is simply not capable of doing the task efficiently, so I suggested that she come over to my new place and write from here while I worked on the photos from my desktop computer.
Even though she was busy working in the living room on her laptop, and I was in my office on the desktop, she was the much needed purple flower in the thistle field I was running through; a friend I needed to appreciate; a choice to not be alone in my self created misery.
My loneliness suddenly didn’t seem so lonely, and I began to realize that no one is just going to up and leave me without a damn good cause. Things in my life are going like they’re supposed to be going – so I can take a lesson of appreciation from the situations I find myself in, and thereby discover the peace and serenity I was initially searching for, but was overlooking all along... I just had to stop looking for it, and see the signs.