Heart Attacks and Paths
It’s been three days since my last blog – yikes. But I am pretty much moved in, save a few things here and there, some final adjustments, and the “oh no, I forgot…” moments. Otherwise, I’m in a livable spot at this very moment – and happy to be so.
It’s been a very weird experience for me. We moved fairly frequently when I was a kid, but I remember always being excited about it – a new place, a new adventure – with only two exceptions that I can recall. When I was about nine years old and then fifteen or sixteen, we moved, and I remember feeling very sad about both of them. I didn’t want to move. Hell, I never want to move, that’s a lot of work. But since I must, I tried to make the best of it, then and now.
But this time was different. In as much as it was the typical pain in the butt, it was also liberating – as well as very lonely. Loneliness is the fruit Left Side and Right Side love to partake in, and lately, there seems to be an abundance of it.
I have found myself rapid-firing between several different states of emotion and thought processes, more specifically: angry to excited, depressed-and-lonely to gleeful-and-alone. And on a side note, “yes,” there is a huge difference between lonely and alone. Alone is to be separated – often a good thing, to be by oneself. Lonely, on the other hand, is to be disconnected. One can be disconnected either in a crowd, or by oneself. I would say that being lonely-alone is better, because not much is worse than being around people that are connected, yet remaining disconnected oneself. At least being lonely-alone, I can sort of justify the loneliness; I’m no where near people.
I found myself becoming angry that I chose to move out! Why would I do this? Why would I separate myself from people? It was the aloneness that allowed me to drink to begin with!
“No one is looking, who will know?”
“It would be quick.”
“And in two days, no one would be the wiser.”
Except, of course, me. I do count as someone nowadays, whether or not Left Side and Right Side seem to think so. I would know. Not to mention that once I started -- there would be no stopping. I don't have another recovery in me. It will kill me if I start again; not to mention that once I start to drink, its purpose will be to die... something I no longer wish to do. Anyway, that's for another blog... Back on track:
And then, I would have the extreme amount of excitement; I am alone! I can do whatever I want! Turn up the music! Cook some food! Go on a walk! Watch a movie!
This has been going on for a few days now. UP, then down – but in rapid succession, and to the extreme. I believe that a friend of mine, who started a local sober activities group, called it a “recovery heart attack,” or something similar. She said that if our life is so dull that there’s no blips, we’re flat lining, and we’re dead in our recovery – instant trouble. Then she said that, likewise, if we’re hiving spikes UP and down, then we’re having a heart-attack in our recovery – also no good.
Interestingly enough, I recovered from these bursts very quickly. As in, VERY QUICKLY. It’s the tools I’ve learned over the last two and a half years, specifically meditation, that brings me back to normality. It’s the lessons I’ve learned through my recovery center, counseling, 12-step programs, and more importantly, through my friends who bring me to reality.
Speaking of reality, HW called me out of no where and we talked about some things, and Al-Anon came up. She talked to me about some codependency stuff (again) that (unfortunately) makes too damn much sense. <sigh> I knew the day was coming when I was going to have to look back over the fence from whence I came – I just didn’t want to do it. Alas, it’s a must. And it makes me feel more lonely at times.
Today, my good friend ZJ came over and smudged my house, cleansing it of negativities. It didn’t take us long, as the house is so tiny, but it was long enough to get a few words in and talk for a minute. I’m glad we did that. She assured me that this evening would go well and I’d feel better in the house. And I do – though I was still alone.
At the advice of AF, I chose to watch a movie this evening. Alone. And lonely. But it helped pass the time, time that, perhaps, I should have chosen to do something more productive with, but time passed nonetheless. Gratefully so. I’m tired, and I have to go to work tomorrow. <sigh> I’m grateful I have a good job, but I’d rather stay home and… what – be lonely? So off to bed I go, followed by work in the AM.
Weird catch-up, this post. I’m just super tired from the move and the emotional-heart-attacks of this most bizarre move I’ve ever made. But I’m otherwise very good. My obsession has definitely been lifted. Am I cured?
Not a damn chance. Sobriety is my freedom, meditation my life-line, and recovery the path upon which I gratefully tread on a daily basis; giving up control to my Higher Power (whoever/whatever/however it/s/he is) and learning to trust, let go, and have faith in this walk called Life.