Final inspection done this Saturday! I am completely moved out, but I've got one brother and nephew left -- and then all three families have completely separated.
This is both exciting, and sad. But it is also important.
For those of you not familiar with my story, let me give a very quick rundown (and by very quick, I do mean very quick -- i have to get to bed, and will therefore not be editing this post).
Okay, the rundown:
Shortly after my wife passed away, two of my brothers and my nephew all moved in with me. We've spent the last five-and-a-half years together. To put things in perspective, I have been sober just over two-years-and-seven months.
It was time. The deal was that when my nephew (who was just about three when they moved in) was old enough to use the bathroom, get his own water and food, dress himself, and was in second or third grade, and my baby brother (the father) had a job, it would be time to split. And so it has come.
This is exciting, because we're all getting our own places.
This is also, for me anyway, sad. I spent so many years of my life taking care of my late wife and my brothers that I feel completely useless right now. And worse -- Left Side and Right Side won't shut the fuck up!
It's a great. It's horrible. It's peaceful. It's noisy.
And when it's great, and the peace is abundant, I find serenity.
But when it's horrible and noisy inside -- I find Hell.
And believe me, if you're not an alcoholic or an addict, let me assure you -- no one has a greater hell than that of an alcoholic/addict's scorn. Where anger flows like water and fears flourish abundantly, there lives a beast so vile that even the Devil himself would flee. Living in both the past and the future, there is no apparent escape from the blood-stained fangs of this self-created demon of hate and destruction.
... there is a reprieve of some kind.
And be fully assured, there is a reprieve.
This reprieve, this postponement of our own deathly punishment, can come in many different forms -- but only daily. And daily it is offered, if sought.
Ohhh, the trick of the seeking.
The seeking that is not looking, but seeing. The trick that is to put down the binoculars, and experience with one's sight. The trick that is to see, but not search.
As my faithful readers know, I have gained a few friends in my recovery. They are one such source of my daily reprieve. Each has played a particular role in my newly discovered life. Amongst them, a very good friend that is growing increasingly closer. I'm beginning to feel what my counselor said is called "trust."
I catch myself talking to her about things I'd never talked to anyone about before. Hell, even my counselor took nearly a year to come as far as my friend has already gotten. It's called growth; on my part for sure, possibly on her part, too.
I came home from work today, and I couldn't handle the aloneness -- it always seems to reap loneliness, Left Side's and Right Side's favorite dinner. I decided to "nap it off." A few people I know do that, and it seems to work for them, so why not?
It made it worse. I couldn't stop the past and future arguments between Left Side and Right Side, incessant reminders that I had always been worthless, and that I would always amount to nothing!
I sat up. I had to do something.
"Clean the dishes."
Ring, my phone called out.
"Hello?" I asked, trying to sound "normal."
It was HW. She called just to say "Hi."
People do that? I don't know, I guess so -- but whether or not that's "normal," I was so glad she did. After a brief conversation about nothing in particular, I was up at her place, with her and her awesome family.
And laughter ensued.
And peace flowed.
And serenity followed.
My daily reprieve. I didn't search for it. I just saw it.
We don't have to search for it, we just have to see it. It's already here! Just see it. Hear it. Feel it. It will find us, and ZJ has always assured me that positivity will reap positivity. Prayer and meditation at it's finest -- but I'll save that for another blog.
Meanwhile, I approached my bloggers about doing a podcast quite some time back. Tami Harper Winn reminded me of this just a week or so ago. We're getting pretty serious about doing it now. I unpacked some of my equipment, dusted it off, sneezed a few times, then wiped off the sneezes, and came up with this silly, little piece.
(Please note, this is NOT a real podcast, it is just me needing some practice, so I threw together a couple of my character voices and created a spoof-podcast, just to touch back up on some software. By the way, the voices are really my voice, unaltered by any software or post production processes.)
What You See Is What You Get