AF came back from her long trip today. I saw her over at HW’s for only a brief moment, as she wanted to get home, unpack, and rest for a while. Long trips tend to make one want to do that. I’m just happy she made it back in one piece! I am very grateful for that.
HW and I have been working on some changes to the blog site, so after AF headed home, we ran out and grabbed some coffee, and then came back. Neither one of us were really sure where or what to start on, so we just began talking about some of the things we felt were important to these upcoming changes.
Ever have a moment where, seemingly out of nowhere, every feeling that the moment carries is suddenly overridden by a sense or feeling or realization that simply takes the wind out of the sails? Well – I had said moment.
It was as though the old monkey jumped right back onto my shoulders; only the monkey was no longer a monkey, it had grown into a gorilla; and it was being provoked by Left Side and Right Side at that very moment. I was going down.
As my faithful readers know, I go to counseling. Counseling has allowed me to work through my seemingly dark forests, which is necessary for me to absorb the wisdom from my sponsors, mentors and friends; with whom I’ve been blessed to receive much friendship and give-a-shit advice over the last two and a half years. I’ve learned a lot from them, acquiring lots of life-tools along the way.
One such tool was learning to sit in the moment with the feeling, and recognize what was going on. It’s much like mindful meditation, only on short notice. I believe "Julie," my counselor, simply called it acknowledgment. (Huh. Go figure.)
Believe me, this has been very necessary; not because I have overwhelming “issues” to face, but because I've needed to face whatever it was that kept me covering my eyes, regardless of what it was I feared; which may or may not actually be “bad."
I believe we call this perception.
AF has mentioned this to me before; the way we think we see how things are, aren’t necessarily how things actually are, or could be. My counselor has been working with me on this very thing as well. And tonight – well, thanks to my Higher Power for doing what She does best; placing the very people in front of me that I need at the moment I get it. I can only hope one day to return the kindness and love that all my friends have graciously handed to me.
'You don’t have anything to show for yourself," Left Side and Right Side began to teardown, "No children, no wife, no real life or experiences – you’re a chicken shit waste of skin.’
But they were in for as big a surprise as I was.
What I had truly expected to do was what Julie had been teaching me to do: to sit with it, find the source, acknowledge it, and let it move through. This is something I’ve been consciously working on. But before I could get into this acknowledgement of my screwed up perception, I apparently repeated what Left Side or Right Side had said, under my breath.
Now – AF, ZJ and Julie, have all caught me in these moments and have firmly brought it to my attention, but I wasn’t exactly expecting this from HW – or, at least, not at this point, nor the way she went about it; but apparently HW saw the situation very differently than I thought I was hiding it.
“Alright, DL – Stop.” HW abruptly cut me clean off. There was no searching through the dark on this one – she simply flipped the damn bright light on. “Let me tell you a little something about having these conversations with me…” What I had expected to be a short “scolding” about my negative self-talk, became a very intriguing take on – well, forgiveness.
Shut-up, Left Side and Right Side. Just – shut-up. I will not allow you two to create more wreckage, and I demand silence.
Yes. Forgiveness. Forgiveness of them, forgiveness of God, forgiveness of people, forgiveness of the churches/religions, and forgiveness of – me.
Because her's is not my story to tell, I will not expel what was revealed to me – it isn’t my place to do so. What I can say, however, is that I heard a lot about loss, missed opportunities (both good – and bad), and levels of life-training I’ve yet to complete or even comprehend. About accusations to falsely produce pride in being correct, and demonstrations of a madness that I have reached a few times myself. Some of it was quite relatable, some of it was not. For nearly two hours a picture of HW was painted as such I hadn’t realized existed.
At my last counselor appointment, Julie had pointed out a hang-up I was having. Or, maybe I should state: … a hang-up that I had been hung up on for many years. I let this issue ripen into a resentment, and it truthfully was overripe.
ZJ reminds me, often, of the synchronicity of the Universe and how She uncannily ties things together. ZJ is awesome like that. I can see the people and things that my Higher Power puts in my path, where I am allowed to learn a lesson, if I should so choose.
Of direct relation to myself, some of the specifics that HW spoke about hit home in a very direct way. More specifically, it is time to take myself off of the cross, so I can take those I’ve nailed to the cross down.
It’s time for me to stop hanging myself up on my self-created hang-ups, and forgive the people of the perceived injustices; including those done by myself.
Perhaps there's a bit more step-work to work on.