Daily Life

Easter 2016

By: DL

Haven’t really celebrated Easter since the kids have been out of the house.  Didn’t really ever figure I would again, truthfully.  No real reason for that, except that I have no children (not to be confused with my wife’s children, who are all moved out).  My parents are still around (though out of town), and my nephew is still around (though he does his stuff with his father), so I don’t really have a reason to plant eggs for seeking; and the church scene for me is simply out – at least, at this point in my path.

So I decided to get some lunch (as per my typical Saturday/Sunday ritual), and then get some coffee afterwards.  The buildings were nearly empty, save the hard working servers.  Families had places to go, people to see, and churches to attend with messages of hope, love, and family.  Family.

While I sat at the restaurant waiting to order, I received a text.  I was invited to dinner with a family I know.  Huh.  That’s never happened outside of my parents before.  Ever.  It felt both good, and confusing…

“Why are you being invited?” Left Side and Right Side began to question.

“Maybe they accidentally texted you, and it was intended for someone else.”

“Who would invite you to their family function, anyway?!”

“That’s what I’m saying! You’re only tolerated – that’s it!  Just tolerated!”

“And don’t forget that!

Bastards!

<sigh>

This is how it is; a genuine, kind offer, and I get wrapped up with the damn Twins arguing!  The worst part is they make so much sense half the time.  They can really begin to drag me through the mud and muck that I worked so hard to get out of, and stay out of.  It’s getting easier now that I’ve gained tools, but they’re getting more persistent and more convincing at times, striking where I hurt the most.

“You haven’t celebrated Easter since your wife died!”

“The kids are grown up, dude.  Leave that family to have their own time!”

“You’re going to get in the way!”

“They don’t deserve to have their time ruined with your dead weight!”

“You had your chance!”

“You blew it then; your turn is over!”

“It’s never going to be your turn again…”

“… ever.”

I’ve been convinced of my worthlessness by less persuasive conversations, the fucking bastards!  I hate those two, and I swear to God, one day I’ll shut them up!

“Silence.” the Inner Voice gently, compassionately, commanded.  “Silence.”

I remembered Thich Nhat Hanh’s mindful practice teachings for grounding one-self:

Breathe in, “I have arrived.”

Breath out, “I am home.”

Breathe in, “I have arrived.”

Breath out, “I am home.”

As many times as required, until:

Peace.

Serenity.

I know that Left Side and Right Side are wrong.  Dead wrong.  I’m not going to ruin anything, they invited me!  I could believe I was accidentally texted if I really wanted to, or that they only wanted me to do something for them; but they’re asking me to keep coming around, nothing more.  There must indeed be something they like about me.

What is it?  I don’t know!  I can’t figure it out, they just keep smiling at me, and thanking me for being at their events – they don’t ask me for anything but to be there.  Maybe… maybe they’re beginning to see something in me other than just being “usable.”  Or, maybe – they see something I don’t see yet.  Or, just maybe – they are simply great, friendly people.  Is it possible that I am the one that has been pushing people away all these years?

<sigh>

I am careful these days to ask that question, because I fear the answers I’ll receive by Left Side and Right Side.  My father used to say to me, “If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask.” But I want to hear the answer – I’m just afraid of what it will be.  Then again, maybe it isn’t that I shouldn't be asking the question, maybe it's just that I’m asking the wrong people.  I suppose it’s time to stop asking Left Side and Right Side what the hell their opinions are about what other people think about me.  What do they know?  Last I checked, they can’t even get along with themselves, let alone other people.

The reality is, I’m having a huge shift in my thinking.  I’m not as hard on myself as I used to be, nor am I as easily convinced by Left Side and Right Side that I am a waste of skin, though there are days I wonder if they’re correct.

I’m blessed, once again, to have the friends that I do, the very ones I've found in The Rooms.  From the occasional texted question to see how I’m doing, to the invites to their family functions – these things are absolutely priceless to me, more so than I could ever possibly explain.

Gratefully, I accepted the generous invitation to the family gathering; for the first time the “outsider-coming-in.”  I know there will be plenty of days where I will simply be alone, but these moments of connectivity, where I feel like I’m not just out of place… this is a whole new “new” to me.  It felt pretty damn good, to be honest with you.

I texted the family again, and simply asked, “What would you like me to bring?”

Now that is a question I most definitely wanted to hear the answer to.

Namasté

 

Drunkless Life