Hope, Faith, Anonymity: Broken Tools
I started the evening out on one topic. And then switched to another topic; after which I switched to a third topic, and then yet another, and... well, you get the idea.
I read a blog the other day that talked about nothing more than blog inspirations and just getting started. Paraphrased, it read:
If you don’t know what to write about, just sit down and write. Let your thoughts guide you, much like you would when you verbally speak. You don’t have to think about what you want to say when you speak it aloud – you just say it. So just write it. Corrections and beautifying can come later.
My counselor calls this “stream of consciousness;” putting things down on pen and paper as they pop into my head. It expresses and processes all sorts of unhindered feelings and thoughts. This works, believe me, I’ve done it (as I am doing this very minute for this blog). It is what I used to do before I began blogging, which is why it was so important to me to be anonymous – oh the stuff I would write.
1) (of a person) not identified by name; of unknown name.
2) having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal.
synonyms: unnamed, of unknown name, nameless, incognito, unidentified, unknown, unsourced, secret, characterless, nondescript, impersonal, faceless
As it turns out, my anonymity is at risk. I've known this for quite some time now, and I'm fully aware of who it is – but I refuse to name them; it truly is their own problem.
I'm sure those of you who’ve been around reading my blogs for a while have noticed that I began shutting down again, tightening my writings. Or perhaps no one has noticed – but I've yanked a lot of the original writings because of it. Lack of anonymity is why, which was confirmed just the other day.
“Is this really that big a deal?”
It used to be what afforded me the luxury to say what I wanted, when I wanted, and process through the bullshit my head would put me through. I trusted certain people, and most of them have held steadfast. Alas, someone doesn’t know how to honor this simple wish.
A bucket of water will leak, even with only one hole punched into it, until it is out.
But that's my fault, really.
I believe in Drunkless. I believe in the therapeutic value it has had for me to open up mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; for the things I’ve heard people say about what it is doing for them (whether readers or writers); and I believe in the concept of spreading Hope, which may even spur a desire to choose to live.
The one thing that saved my ass from deciding to be dead. I didn’t care then – but I sure the hell do now.
Therefore, it has become imperative to me that I continue with the developement of the site and the blogging. I’ve seen and heard what is being said, not just by the viewers, but by the bloggers, too.
“Do what’s right, and what’s right will follow.” A couple of good friends of mine reminded me of that just the other day when we went and sat in a coffee shop discussing web pages and some possible collaboration.
Do what’s right. Do what’s right, and the rest will follow.
What’s right? What, indeed, is right?
Faith is right. Faith, in its truest sense, is right. It is trust. It is letting go, giving in to resistance and letting the water flow where it belongs. Faith is right.
The problem still remains; I no longer feel like I can be as open as I was when I first started this thing. I should have known better than to open my mouth to people. It was bound to happen. I chose to trust someone. Now the word is out. Now the very people in my stories risk being discovered, simply by association alone.
THE ANONYMITY WAS AS MUCH FOR THEIR PROTECTION AS MINE.
“But – seriously, is it really that big a deal?”
My counselor discussed this issue with me, and she suggested that maybe it was time to reveal myself. “Maybe it’s time for people to hear what you have to say, as you, to them – so they’ll know how you feel. Maybe it’s time to grow again.” I have already thought about that, but I don’t think it is time yet. Then again, I didn’t think it was time to stop drinking, either – but that was out of my control. <sigh> Control. Fucking character defects.
I have been reminded that God's timing is different than ours. Okay, so let’s say I’ll buy into that, true as it may or may not be, but let’s just go with it. That doesn’t mean that we humans don’t fuck shit up!
Who’s goddamn decision is it to reveal their identity? The one trying to remain anonymous! In this case, a human decided to blast their mouth, not God. I am sick of people using God as an excuse for their goddamn fuckups and mishaps. God works in mysterious ways; ya, sure, I’ll buy that. And he's even mighty damn good at taking someone’s fuckup and making it work out for the best, true, I'll buy that as well. But God’s plan? BULLSHIT. God just makes it work with what he has; broken tools!
But guess what can be built with broken tools?
We recovering, sober alcoholics and addicts should know this – we're all broken – yet, look at the shit we get done with our Higher Power skillfully working through us; his broken tools.
So be it. I will continue building Drunkless.com with the assistance of the friends I've chosen, and I will remain as anonymous as long as I can. And when the broken hammer hits the anvil, it will shatter and we'll see the supporting handle inside. Maybe in time I will reveal myself. Maybe I won’t. But for those of you that know me, I ask one simple thing of you; please do not reveal my identity.
My name is “DL.” I am a Recovering Alcoholic.
And I am still learning to live a Life of Choice;
I am still learning to live – Drunkless.
(end; stream of conscious thought)