I chose to redesign the website's Home page just a little bit tonight in light of some decisions that had to be made about a group blog we had chosen to host, but became unable to do so. In light of that change, I felt the Home page needed a slight redesign, so redesign I did -- just a bit.
It kind of reminded me of life, really. Everyday we make decisions, and sometimes we have to realize that the decision wasn't as well planned out as we'd hoped; at which point we can do one of two things, A) continue with it and just get through it, or B) change.
I think as an alcoholic/addict, most of us will agree that the embarrassment of being incorrect or wrong is enough to drive us towards decision A. The problem is that our reality is really fucked up. Where a normal person might choose decision A and drive through the big puddle of mud blocking their road, a wet-alcoholic/using-addict will make the same decision and then drive straight into the goddamn ocean. It's not because we're idiots, it's because while we're living in our disease, we're incapable of realizing that our puddle wasn't actually a damn puddle.
I've done this exact thing many times in my addiction. Made a decision, which turned out terrible, and rather than admit my mistake and choose decision B, I kept driving into the ocean, over and over, or I never tried to leave it. "See? My car can get wet, too. It's fine, it's fine. Just a little towel-drying and we're good."
In my sobriety, this type of thinking often haunts me. I've been faced with some pretty big decisions lately, and I'm having a hard time deciding on A, or B. Here's the reality of it, though; not only can I see that it's the ocean in front of me, I'm being advised very well about what could happen, and why it would be a bad decision.
Maybe it is time for a redesign of my thought processes, a time to decided on decision B... and then change. I'm not drunk anymore. Today I realize that people can, and do, make mistakes -- and it is OKAY. I'm not perfect. Neither is anyone else.
Everyday we make decisions in our lives. Some of those decisions are just little, pointless things; "Which cereal do I want, or maybe I'll have toast." And some are relatively big ones; "Should we stay together, or separate?" But anyway you look at it, there's a choice to either A, continue to do it anyway -- or B, change.
Which decision I make will determine not only how far along I've come in my Recovery, but also how much I've learned in it.