Un-desireable, Beat Up
Nice late night last night, though not as late as I typically stay up. I'm a lonely night owl that tries to be an early bird with everyone else. I hate sleep. Sleeping is such a waste of time! I've got so many other things I want to do besides lay in bed. Unless I'm really down or depressed about something. Then I just want to stay in bed all day.
By the time I got home last night, I was beating myself up. I can't usually sleep right away because my thoughts race, so to counteract that, I work myself until I'm very tired. But last night, after arriving home just after midnight, and loaded with four cups of coffee, I went straight to bed. I was drained, yet wide awake. And the whippings continued about how useless — well, here...
I'll attempt to explain a bit without dwelling on the past — this is just a setup for basic understanding:
When I was a kid, it was very difficult to maintain friendships because I either moved a lot, or changed schools often. To top it off, my parents were excessively over-protective. Well-meaning — their hearts and intents were in the right place, it’s just the execution was very black and white; hidden and sheltered.
Amongst many other things in my life, this has come to light in my sobriety. When I was drunk, it "didn't matter." But sober, it makes it hard for me get out and socialize, make friends, and be okay with whatever the results are. In particularly, by results, I mean “losing” friendships, at any stage. It always makes me feel forsaken, and unwanted.
Last night, I went somewhere to watch a game. It was just myself, but I chose to get out of my house, out from behind this damn computer, and go DO SOMETHING. I went to this specific location because a friend of mine works there, and I knew that she wouldn’t serve me alcohol — she's been in recovery for four years, so I know she understands, and that's a very, very important thing for me. I want to never drink again, and in fact, I am terrified of ever doing so again.
For reasons I cannot explain (in part because of the length of the explanation, but also because I don’t fully understand why), I suddenly began to feel — I don’t know. If I had to describe it in one word: undesirable. Several little things triggered it, I think. People coming and going, she was near, and then gone. I just suddenly felt terribly lonely in this place full of people. I began to shrink, and everything began to grow larger than life. Just interacting with a complete stranger spun me into the “Shut the f*** up and leave me alone!” side of the conversation — with a smile, of course. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say that to him, I only thought it, over and over in my head, gleefully nodding in acknowledgment.
Maybe that makes me the problem, not them. Maybe I'm the one that is causing my demise. I try not to let that be the case, I work hard at it (for what little practice I've ever had). Is it my lack of trying, or my trying too hard, that sets me up to be in the distance, alone and lonely?
This disturbs me — not the silently cussing out of the innocent dude who simply wanted to high-five me because our local team scored — but the distance and feeling of being unwanted. I’ve always felt unwanted. I mean by someone besides my family, who love because they “have to, we’re family.” I want to be wanted by those that WANT to. I can recall that feeling clear back to the age of six, or five… maybe even earlier.
That’s the reason I hit the sack so quickly last night, I wanted to sleep it away. Typically, I’m up until three or four in the morning, and then I get up an nine o’clock to start my day. But last night, it was midnight-thirty, and up at eight this morning.
I’m feeling a bit better now, though — but I have to say, that feeling lingers. Then again, it always does. I’m trying to focus on being positive, trying hard to believe that there is something better out there, and hoping to whatever-is-larger-than-me that there will be a time of “unloneliness” and being wanted in my life. It doesn’t feel like it is ever going to happen.
Patience is a virtue.
Okay, enough pity partying. Today’s a brilliant, albeit cold, day out side. I will say that a nice, long sleep can do wonders for a weary soul. Time to hit the park and get some photos or videos.
Gratitude - Day 20 (Friday (Saturday morning))
Sunshine. I’m very happy for the sunshine today. It could be windy, rainy, and freezing, but its only freezing and sunny. I am definitely leaving the house today to do something. Anything will be better than sitting home staring at a heartless computer all day.