There was a guided/unguided meditation that I've been meaning to listen to for quite some time now, but just haven't had the time; the meditation is an hour long. Last week was our last Yoga Nidra practice that I've been participating in, and it won't start back up until January, I believe. Tonight, I had plenty of time to kill before the meditation meeting I am now chairing, so I chose to take the time to listen to it.
When this meditation was first suggested to me, I was told that it was the "meditation that changed [her] life." I didn't think much about it, because meditation has been a HUGE influence in my recovery, so I pretty much assumed the same thing of this one.
I didn't fully understand.
As I grew up, I was raised to fear other practices that went against the religion I was raised in. If it wasn't the same as mine, it was "bad" and hell-bound. I know I've written of this before, so I won't drag it out; but I was also taught, to the contrary of what I was shown, that God was a loving God, caring, compassionate, and understanding. This made no sense to me, so as I sobered up, I finally abandoned the idea of "that" god, and leaned towards the god of my understand, who truly was loving, compassionate, and even tolerant. But the fear lingered, no matter how hard I tried to scrub it off.
I had believed for many years prior to my sobriety that all of the true, spiritual "religions" of the world, from small tribes across the globe, to huge, world-wide practices, must surely be praying to the same god, because love is love -- isn't it? But I could never get this kind of confirmation from the church I grew up in; it was blasphemous! To question ANYTHING from the church was blasphemous!
But I NEEDED the confirmation, because it was a HUGE roadblock for me.
As I listened to this meditation, for the first time I heard SOMEONE ELSE express, with absolute certainty, what I had always wondered; that "God" was truly The One, known only by different names, but proven by one thing only -- Pure Love. Everything I questioned about Jesus, the Buddha, God, Nature, The Universe, The Creator, The Great Unknown, Life, etc., etc., was suddenly brought to light; I was not the only one that believed they are one and the same. Seems elementary, I know -- but it was wrecking me.
This meditation was absolutely incredible to me. It was very freeing, and never have I had such a release of -- feelings. I don't know why it struck me like it did, but it hit me, and it hit me hard.
For the first time in my recovery, I think I can say that I truly do have a Higher Power. I still choose to call it Life, the Creator, the Great Unknown. And I still have a hard time believing that I'm being watched over every second of my life -- I just don't know that Life works that way; but then again, I should be dead. However, I can now freely accept that "God" is these things, and suddenly -- the world is as full of light as I give it.
Gratitude - Day 25 (Wednesday)
I was thinking on the way home from the recovery meditation meeting I just chaired, and I was just realizing that I have some wonderful people in my life these days. This has never happened to me before in my life -- maybe in part because of me and the constant fear of losing people all of the time, or maybe -- maybe it was just circumstantial. Anyway I look at it, I've never had the friends I do now.
I don't know... that's just what I was being very grateful for on the way home this evening. I just wish everyone a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving.
This is the meditation I'm referring to. Bear with the audio quality, I know not where else to get this: