Drunkless

Letting others see in, so we can see out.

We are Recovering alcoholics and addicts, and these are mini-chapters of our lives. Here, we are learning to live a life of choice; we're learning to live Drunkless.

We'll share in our writings, in our podcasts, in our photos, art, and music -- our creativity will show who we are, what we're going through, and how we make it -- 24 hours at a time.

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I Hated Sobering Up

By: DL

My counselors said that I would probably do this, and I'm beginning to think they're right.

I absolutely hated sobering up. I didn't want to sober up, I wanted to be dead. That was my initial goal on my last several attempts, I just couldn't drink fast enough.

I would go out and buy a case of vodka, then go home to try and drink to my demise. I bought it by the case because I was afraid to run out as I would just try to go get more. I knew that wouldn't work because I might get pulled over, and then be forced to sober up. Or worse -- kill someone. Therefore, I had reasoned that bringing home enough to kill me right from the get go was the way to do this.

Why drink myself to death? Well, in my sick head:

In order to get the gun, I would have had to sober up. Fat chance. I had considered hanging myself, or slitting my throat, but I have a young nephew and two brothers who live with me. At the time, my nephew would have been about five or six. I didn't want HIM to walk in on me as I hung, or as I blew my brains out. It made more sense to me in my drunken state to just pass-out and die. I don't know, it seemed reasonable then -- sounds pretty damn f****d up now.

I had built up such a tolerance to alcohol, that the amount I drank would have killed anyone else -- and in fact, it did. I've known people that drank half that and died. How how HOW did I survive that? To this day, I simply don't understand it.

Sobering up was hell. For the next six months, I lived completely in a fog, as though I had just had my last drink yesterday. It was miserable. I couldn't remember anything, I was always confused, and everything was drab and tasteless. Life simply sucked.

When I hit just over nine months, literally, I could see the fog beginning to lift. Slowly, day by day, things cleared up, and I was able to hold a real conversation for the first time in years, really. I could remember what we were talking about and respond to it appropriately. It was refreshing.

This is how it went for me for the next year or so, little improvements; tiny, inconsequential steps -- or so it seemed.

I visited my counselor today; two years, one month, and twenty-seven days after my last drink. In a brief moment, we reflected back to see how far I've come. I've come a long way. The things that used to TERRIFY me, are now things I am actually doing. What a journey I've taken! What changes I have made! But it's not a journey I ever want to take again, so I think I'll stay.

Know what else? I think they're right. I beginning to do it; I am beginning to enjoy sobriety and the many people and recovery groups I visit. It is becoming a part of who I am. Maybe being sober isn't so bad after all.

———————

Gratitude - Day 17 (Tuesday)

I think -- I think I'm just grateful to be alive today. I'm beginning to see major progress in my life. It's been a lot of work to get here, but -- I'm doing it.

The best part? I'm not doing it alone.

Namasté

 

Drunkless Life

Be Positive. Be Compassionate. Be Love. Be Spiritual. Be Life. Just BE.

Drunkless does not intended to diagnose, treat, or resolve any alcoholic or addiction condition in any way, shape or form.  Drunkless deals primarily with chemical addictions and aims to share the experience, strength, and hope of our bloggers, podcasters, and associated guests and visitors.  Though we recognize and realize that there are many forms of addiction and mental disorders, we are not experienced nor educated in ways where we can advise or give feedback on many of them.  As such, it is up to our visitors to discern the differences and to take appropriate action to seek help for themselves or loved ones.  However, we do hope to provide a glimpse into the correlation between some of them and hopefully allow someone a "one-up" on getting help before it becomes life threatening -- after all, that is our goal -- to provide hope where we can, and possibly save a life.

The authors, podcasters, artists, creativists, and other "hosts" on this site do it therapeutically, educationally, inspirationally, and to share their experience, strength and hope, as well as for entertainment... After all, we are not a glum lot.

Drunkess™ does not endorse nor support any one kind of recovery path, it supports all forms of recovery if the path is healthy, positive, and leads to the light.
Drunkless™ is not affiliated with any other recovery entities, including, but not limited to, AA or any of it's affiliates and sister programs, recovery centers, sober active groups, hospitals, institutions, or law-enforcement agencies. 

Contents of this website are property of Drunkless™, Triii-Point™, and its associated authors, podcasters, artists, and creativists, respectively.
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