Ever have a moment, completely lost in thought, and what you're needing the most suddenly pops up, seemingly out of no where?
I was at a Self Roast inside my head, only it wasn't really very funny, and i was just getting ripped on something terrible. It wasn't a place I wanted to be, yet, there I was.
All day long I had been thinking about an issue I have that seems to only exist inside my head; the fear of losing people. It's a pretty serious issue when I'm stuck between my ears; the befriending and then disappearing, wether because I moved, they moved, or someone simply died. It happened often as a kid and early teen years. I finally gave up on trying to have friends, it was easier to do without than to lose them. I've talked about this before, so I won't drag this out, but I have a point here.
I was recently reminded by my friend that the Native American meeting we attend spoke about releasing our character defects to the Creator, and that when we did, our self image would have to be repainted. Like any painting, these things take time, practice, and mistakes will be made; it is a learned skill. And during this training period, it will get worse before it gets better. We've got to learn the basics, practice, hone, and then learn the finer skills (and repeat). At some point, it becomes second nature. Meanwhile, we're not there yet.
My old image, the one where I am so sure that no body wanted to really be friends with me, carried many weights. I wasn't smart enough, I was unlikable, people liked to laugh at me, they wanted nothing to do with me. To make matters worse, I knew I was not like other kids, because the way I was raised really stuck out like a broken thumb; we didn't have the social skills, we couldn't relate to movies or music or even world events. We simply didn't GET those things.
To boot, my marriage didn't help any. Without getting into the details, I was an knight in shining armor for my wife, primarily because I would do anything for her, and I was her escape from where she was previously at. But she wasn't exactly kind. The things she did and said simply reinforced the beliefs that I grew up with; I was indeed different, and in a much worse, unlovable, unwanted way than I had ever known before. And I believed it. So if I chose to leave my wife, no one would want me, so let me keep her, since having someone was better than having no one. Understand, there is much, much more to this than that, but I'll save that for the website when I get it done.
Meanwhile, after my wife passed away, I was, once again, left alone. The loneliness that I had always known was no longer buried by the distraction of a mean or sick wife (depending on which point in my marriage we're talking about), and I had to face reality: I truly had no friends to talk with, and my family, as much as I loved them, simply couldn't fill the void or the relationships that I needed.
As I began to cower during my Self Roasting, I could feel the eyes of the world glaring down on me and my worthlessness -- I was going down, quickly.
But then I got a text, with a single picture. Nothing immediately afterwards, just the the picture with an affirmation on it, which read: "Believe in what you want so much that it has no choice but to materialize."
I have been rerunning through the 21-day belief meditations again. Today's Centering Thought was, “My true self can be trusted to lead me. My actions and desires are supported by cosmic intelligence.”
I've had so much fear in my life of losing people that I get close to, that I developed a manner of defense that simply kept me away from them to begin with -- self-loathing. No one told me I was a jerk, or a loser, or that they hated me (well, except my drunk wife). But I thought they did. Don't get me wrong, I had my issues. I was beat up in the second grade by a sixth grader, I was shoved down hills, laughed at in class for what I wrote, or how I pronounced words, etc., etc. These things happen to all of us -- right? My wife reinforced it, too. Again, this happens -- right? So when I believed that this is how EVERYONE was, it was so -- in my head. I didn't trust that I could find friends anymore, because obviously, the ones I picked out simply didn't like me.
I know today that is not true. I didn't know that eight months ago, but two-thirds of a year later, I do. I believe not that I'm an unlikeable guy, but rather than I am a great guy, and people don't hate me. I work hard to make sure they get the respect they deserve, and I only expect it back -- fairly, of course.
This text, with the single picture and affirmation, became a light on my Self Roasting. I stood up, put up my hand and said, "Stop!"
Suddenly, the room full of people laughing at me just faded away, and I was faced with a small number of true friends, standing beside me, no longer hidden in the crowd of onlookers and jeerers. They stood beside me, and backed me up. They believe in me, why can't I?
As I learn to Believe in what I really am and want, and Trust that my True Self can make good decisions and create wonderful relationships, I begin learn that Fear is simply a training course for me to succeed in, where I learn that there really is NOTHING TO FEAR. I'm beginning to like this painting that I am learning to create. The colors may look funny here or there, and the eye's may be too big, but I like it.
There is no fear of failure here -- because I won't let it happen.