Sometimes, I just need to remember.
With my counselor, as well as my anonymous group, we talked about both my marriage, as well as what our turning point was.
There's a lot of crap I'm remembering that I don't know that I want to. Some of it is "good" to remember, like in the group when we talked about our turning point. But my counselor really helped me dig up some old stuff I didn't want to remember... strangely, it relates so much to some of the things I'm going through now. I see now how they're tied-in in many ways -- but I would have rather forgotten some of it.
I came home and began writing my story again. I've written it so many times, its sickening, but each time I write it, it's like something different is recalled. It changes. I mean, the story is there, it is still the same -- but things I'd forgotten about show up! Some seemingly insignificant, others -- how did I forget THAT?!
I don't like it!
I didn't sign up for this! I didn't ask for any of this! Why is this so damn difficult sometimes?! And worse, it is the loneliness that goes along with it! Who do I talk to about this? I only see my counselor one hour per week! Don't get me wrong, she's wonderful, and a tremendous help -- I just need more sometimes. Sometimes, I think i'm just peachy -- other times ... <sigh> not so much.
I almost finished the basic rough draft of my life story (again, for the bizzilionth time), and then I noticed how late it was. This is my blog for this evening. I'm sorry if it isn't hopeful, positive, and up to par... I'm just frustrated. And this is a blog, a real-life blog. This is where I am at right at this moment... and I don't like it.
Gratitude - Day 31 (Tuesday)
I guess, really, NOW is when the gratitude list is most important, when I'm feeling ungrateful, hopeless, lonely, lost, and depressed.
forgive my lack of enthusiasm:
1) I have a home.
2) I have a job.
3) I have a running vehicle.
4) I have a great counselor.
5) I have an even better friend.
6) I have other friends.
7) I have a loving family.
8) I am relatively healthy.
9) I'm not dead.
10) I still WANT to live.
11) I still have feelings -- even if I don't like them at times.
12) I'm learning -- all of the time.
13) I have a small, lingering bit of hope that this will all end well.