I’ve been staring at this computer screen now for nearly an hour and a half, words tickling my fingers and yet nothing fancying the dance. I’m tired and need some rest, but it is important to me that I write on something daily, if possible, even if what I write is a bomb and there seems little connectivity between the subject and what I am trying to say or work out.
The reason it is so important for me to continue to write is:
a) It keeps me in my good habit
b) It holds me self-accountable (something every alcoholic and addict really needs to strive for), and
c) It helps me process – even if it is something minor, insignificant, and poorly written. It’s a job that I require myself to do because of what it does for me, and hopefully someone else.
For some reason, that got me to thinking about my sobriety, and I realized that I have been sober two years, five months, and one day today. I can’t believe this. This just seems unreal to me. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am at, and at times, I thought I wouldn’t make it this far. But I have! I am clean and sober, nearly two and a half years!
There are two things I can’t let happen with this minor victory:
1) It cannot go unnoticed – this has been a difficult road and a hell of a lot of progress!
And 2) I can’t allow it to go to my head; ego and complacency are killers lurking in the bushes for us alcoholic/addicts. They will sneak up on us when we’re least expecting it – and I can’t allow myself to get taken by surprise like that. I just can’t allow it.
I was going through my sobriety calendar on my phone, and I ran across a money saver calculator that I didn’t remember being there. I drank roughly $22 a day for my “base drink.” That was my minimum for cheap vodka, but for you bar goers, your cost must have been substantially more. It was towards the end, when I was trying to die, that I started spending way more than $22 per day; but in my calculator, I apparently set the base cost of $22. That’s a total of $19,448 to date! That’s a damn car. A NEW CAR. I did that for years! That’s not counting what I paid for when I had company over, or when I would binge party (alone or with my brothers). It’s unbelievable what I spent on something as shallow and hopeless as vodka.
I’m pretty amazed, really. And I’m quite thankful, too. I look at my life today, and though I am struggling with some things personally, I’m dealing with it. The struggles are neither “good” nor “bad,” they are just new. The things I am dealing with today would have sent me back to the bottle not too long ago (and possibly my death). But today, I am finding that with my spiritual connection to my Higher Power and through working the steps, I am able to get through these things. Sometimes I wonder, I truly do, but I am getting there.
Again, I’m pretty amazed. I know I am in for a doozy of a lesson coming soon, simply because of the nature of what I’m going through, and the fact that I’m being trained (God doesn’t train without purpose – guess I should be careful what I ask for). One of the things I was crazy enough to ask for was faith. W.C. talks about trust and faith and our spiritual tool kit, and he says faith is one thing that keeps him going. I want faith like that. If you haven’t read any of W.C.'s blogs, you should check them out!
Well, that’s it for this blog tonight, folks. I’m kind of trying to hurry so I can hit the sack. After getting home late lastnight, my nephew woke up and couldn’t sleep. That meant that Uncle had to stay up until he fell asleep again. Thankfully, his Other Uncle was still up, so I passed the buck (lucky him), but not until the damage was done (I didn’t get more than two hours of sleep).