Ever have those feelings that sneak up on you, and you don't know why? Ya, it's kinda like that right now.
I've been in a relatively good mood all day. Not overly chipper, definitely not depressed -- just mellow. You know, a slight up, a slight down, but really -- just steady.
I heard some people talking after a long meditation last week as we closed the doors. They were talking about how meditation can really dig up some deep-rooted feelings, and for some people with pretty serious things to pull out of the dirt, that can be pretty bad. They further discussed why that was so important after long periods of meditation to go around and ask the participants how they are doing -- and give them ample time to discuss it.
Understand, we're talking about days of heavy meditation here, not that an hour or two couldn't possibly produce the same affect, but in the case they were talking, it was very serious mediation time over a retreat.
Zipping forward a week...
Again, today was a pretty good day. Right after work, I hit a meditation meeting, of the type "yoga nidra." I like it. I've been doing that now for nearly two months, once a week. This isn't a "recovery" course as far as addiction is concerned, but it is a great way to recover otherwise, and it has many health benefits.
Our yogi tossed in a new one today. She called it "meditative movement," or something like that. It was very different and it involved a relaxed, guided movement. There's much more to it than that. It was quite interesting -- and I'm not sure that I really liked it.
Now, I'm a guy that tries things more than once (unless it is simply stupid or disgusting), so I'll give this a couple more chances, but it seems to me that something set me off to Uneaseville.
She completed the exercise with the normal yoga nidra practice, and, as usual, I think I began snoring... oi.
After that particular meeting, I went to another meditation meeting that I love to attend. This second one IS a recovery based, 12-step meeting. I love that meeting. Love it. This time, we read from a well known book that goes further into the twelve steps, which tonight happened to be on step two; “We came to understand that a [Power Greater] than us could bring us back to sanity.” (And yes, that paraphrase is supposedly going to keep program anonymity... ;))
On a side note:
Monday was about step three. Tonight it was about step two. <sigh> Step one was never an issue for me, ever. I had that one down pat. I THOUGHT I was working on step four and five. If there's any truth to what I keep hearing over and over about how this stuff works, then apparently -- i'm not done with two and three.
Back on track:
After we did our meditation and discussed the chosen topic, I felt -- I don't know. I want to say "disconnected," but -- no, that's not right. Something didn't jive with me, and I don't think it was the topic. I don't think.
But still, I have to say even now, I feel... I don't know. I can't explain it. Suddenly down. Almost hopeless... ? <sigh> I can't pin point it.
I thought maybe it was the meditation. Maybe too much at once. But I'm not giving up the 12-step meeting, and the yoga nidra class ends in a couple of weeks to begin fresh sessions. I doubt I'll go back right away, primarily because it costs money, and this one was gifted to me (for which I am SO GREATFUL!). But I can't shake this feeling. Maybe I'll email the instructor... Or meditate on it some more. wink emoticon
Gratitude - Day 4 (Wednesday)
When I first started going to 12-step meetings, I HATED it. I wanted nothing to do with them! But they helped me white-knuckle through night after night for months, just to get by.
Today, I am grateful for that. For all of the various people and programs that I've been through. I am now over two years sober. I never believed that this was ever going to happen, I was sure I'd be dead. But I'm not.