Up one day, down the next. It is frustrating dealing with the rollercoaster ride that I've experienced in sobriety. And evenings like tonight — they don’t help any.
It's funny, because I am so excited to get home on Friday evenings, just to get away from work; but I hate Friday evenings because I never have anyone to hang with. Or, I do on occasion, but then it always feels like I’m in the way. I’m the guy that everybody reluctantly puts up with — so I just stay home.
It was one thing when the sun was still up. I’d head out to a park and read, or write, or take photos or videos. But now? Now it gets dark earlier, and I’m not always sure how to combat this isolation.
I’d head to a meeting, but most of them are closed by now. Besides, I don’t want to go to a meeting tonight, of any kind. I want to hangout with someone that doesn’t want to drink. Someone that just wants to kick back and watch a movie, or talk, or do a stupid video skit — I don’t know, ANYTHING.
I joined a new online group that I didn’t even know existed.InTheRooms.com. They have a variety of forums and some chat rooms. It looks pretty cool. But, it is online. <sigh> There really is something to being face-to-face with someone, holding a real conversation, seeing reactions, hearing the tone in their voice. Connecting.
It’s just difficult for me (as all of us, I’m sure) because I used to spend all my spare time with my wife. Every second of it. And evenings like tonight, which happen much, much too often, leave me lonely and craving for companionship. I miss that, and it seems as though it will never happen again.
I hear similar stories in meetings from time to time. We all hit this wall at some point or other, even if we have someone close in our personal lives. It’s a very difficult thing to live with, but I have to remind myself that that “feelings aren’t fatal.” My counselor reminds me of that often.
There is a reality here that I have to look at and realize, and that is that I will have moments like this in my recovery. It is called: normal. But “normal” is all in the eye of the beholder, is it not? And in my past, this doesn’t fall within “normal,” it falls within “unacceptable.” At some point, as an alcoholic, we all have to learn that OUR norm isn’t acceptable, and that our unacceptable is the true norm. But it is hard to accept that and master those feelings. Then again, maybe that’s exactly the problem — I haven’t relinquished control.
I think tonight, I’m just going to head to bed. It’s late anyway, and staying up is only going to drive me insane.
Hey — thanks for listening.