I hear people say, quite often, that I should hurry up and get the fourth step done because I’ll feel better. I question that.
As I touched on in a couple of recent blogs, this week seems to be telling me that I’m not quite ready for step four. Last Monday was about step three, and I couldn’t conclude that I was actually there. Wednesday was about step two, and though I knew that I couldn’t be restored to sanity on my own, I’ve had a hard time thinking that any “Power” could — primarily because I struggle with a single entity that watches over my every move and takes care of me personally. But that’s another blog.
So if steps two and three aren’t set, how can I possibly proceed with step four? I mean, being honest with myself means being fearless, according to the step. And if I am questioning steps two and three, then I have not entirely solidified my decisions — because I’m afraid to do so; lack of trust. Not so brave now, is it?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, brave means fearless. Fearless is something I never was. That lack of bravery stopped me from doing many, many things in my life.
This brings me to my sponsor. I made contact with him about this today, and tossed the idea around that just maybe I’m not as ready for step four as I thought I was. And he agreed — sort of.
I should say that he didn’t “disagree.” Rather, what he did say was that he thought people are rushed too quickly through steps one, two, and three, and then pushed through steps four and five because “they’ll feel better.” He then added that if we don’t truly, fully believe in the first three steps, then getting through four and five wasn’t going to do any good, and in fact, they may just needlessly increase the resentments. We have enough battling going on in our head already, we really don’t need any more.
So I’ve decided to hold off on step four for now. I’d already “completed” it — twice — but I never got through it and on to step five; partially because I kept finding more things to add to step four, so every time I thought I was done, I realized I wasn’t.
A while back, my counselor challenged me to redefine the word “brave." I'm glad I did, because it makes so much more sense to me now. I think this is a quote I came across, or a combination of some, but this is what I've redefined the word "brave" to be:
“Being brave doesn’t mean you’re not afraid, it means you’re not going to let that fear stop you.”
I keep being told that there “is a reason for everything.” This last week certainly seems to be talking to me, which makes it hard to believe that step two isn’t actually true. And if step two is indeed a reality, then maybe “giving it up” in step three is less weak, and more brave. And if I can give up my will to my higher power then I guess I am truly fearless.
Step Four, hold on to your britches — I’m just a couple of steps away.
Gratitude - Day 5 (Thursday)
I’m grateful today that I have people I can talk with, people to help me make sense of my ridiculous, internal arguments that prevent me from moving forward. It seems that when I hit these “major” roadblocks, it’s the talking that allows me to see that the enormous rock in the road only looks so big because I’m lying right next to it. When I get up off the ground, I realize the boulder is merely a pebble.