I've been feeling this unfounded angst today - about my ability to do this trip alone, leaving behind family that I know need me, and that deep down, homesick feeling I used to feel all of the time as a kid. I shouldn't be feeling like this, I've done this before - but it was for my job. In that perspective, it was doing something for my family, not myself.
This is the first time I've done anything like this, FOR ME. And it is causing me some grief, truthfully. Let me explain my current situation some:
After my wife passed away, I had a younger brother that needed assistance. He'd run into some troubles of his own, so I asked him to come home with his son, and I'd help him where I could. That was roughly six months after my wife died.
For about ten months, we lived in the same, tiny apartment that my wife and I lived in. It was too stressful because my nephew had just turned three - if you've got kids, you'll know what I'm talking about. Meanwhile, during this time, my older brother had run into issues with a trailer/mobile home that he and I had bought fifteen-plus years prior. The roof and floors were falling through, the heater quit working (amongst other things), and he needed to get out of there.
So we all moved into a large house together. Again, I found myself holding together a family, as unorthodox as it was. I felt that I was once again useful to society (all except for the drinking piece). I was needed.
This is where my issues lie this next week. When I leave for my vacation - alone - I feel like I'm leaving everyone hanging. What will they do without me? Who will take care of my now eight year old nephew when his father goes to work? What if something happens and I can't BE THERE?
Tonight, I went to a 12 step yoga practice. I love that practice. Our first half (roughly 40 to 50 minutes) we talk about things in our life, just like any other 12 step program does. But in the second half, we yoga! It's not the super hard, pretzelly type, though there is stretching in some pretty unconventional ways (it is tough), but I always feel good afterwards. Stretched, and worked over.
To my point: During the discussion portion of the meeting, I expressed my concern about feeling like I'm leaving my family to fend for themselves. I was quickly - gently - reminded that, "They can take care of themselves."
It's true, I suppose. They really can. I don't have to rescue them every time something "bad" happens! They can, and should be ALLOWED, to do what they need to do. And they are trying - I'm just not letting go.
That's what this trip is all about for me. Getting away, not just so I can enjoy time with myself, but so that I can learn to LET IT GO.
I saw a post on FB the other day, I don't remember where from, but it summed it up something like this:
Ego self: When everything is aligned, I'll find peace.
Spiritual self: When I find peace, everything will align.
I never realized how egotistical I was, how controlling I am, and how tightly I hold onto the idea that things will fall apart without me. I need to let it go. I WANT to let it go.
I guess I just need to take care of myself. The rest will follow.