A True Friend
The residual affects of this weekend continued to wear on me today, but I think I'm beginning to make a discovery here, the "ah-ha!" moment, the light bulb, an epiphany.
As it was, this entire day was just depressing and dark. Clouds hung over head, and it was simply dreary, which added to the guilt and shame I had from the unsettling week and weekend.
Going to work this morning was impossible. I just couldn't do it. Again - isolation. What am I to do about this? This is a problem that will kill me, and I know it! How how HOW do I get out of this funk?!
I have a regularly scheduled f2f (face to face) meeting that I attend on Mondays. Wonderful meeting. It is a Native American take on the 12 steps. I absolutely love it. It is educational, and it "just makes sense" to me. I get it. But I was beginning to contemplate staying home. I know, right? After my previous post, WHY WOULDN'T I GO?!
Damn addiction. I'm not blaming it, it is the beast that is within us, trying itself to survive. The reality is, it is my choice this time. I can either do - or not do. The inner demon doesn't have a hold of me like it used to, and this last week PROVED that. But it sure is there, and it sure makes quick sense out of nonsense. I need to pay close attention the the signs and stay alert.
Even so, I might have skipped the meeting tonight, except that a good friend of mine texted me, needing a ride. Although I was glad to help, I wasn't sure that I really wanted to go, but reluctantly, I got my butt up and went anyway. And that was the best thing that has happened to me in the last five days.
She must have known something wasn't quite right when she got in the car. After a short chit-chat about my air fresher, she quickly asked about my trip and how it went. I touched very briefly on it, and then asked how her retreat had gone.
We arrived at the meeting, and I felt uneasy for some reason. I'm not sure why, but she must have picked up on something. I don't know if it was something I said, or what I did, but during our class, she wrote me a note suggesting that I have a talk with my sponsor about the trip. She's very intuitive about things like this, she just somehow knows - kinda trips me out.
After class was over and I drove her home, we started talking a bit more about the trip. I didn't get highly detailed with her, just as I haven't in the previous post. But, as usual, whenever I talk with her, I feel better. I did something that I always fear doing - I talked a little bit about things in my life.
Many, many of the 12 step support groups tell us, "You must open the door to let someone see in, before you can see out." I used to think that was an idiotic saying. 'Of course the door has to be opened! It's not a window!' And there lies the answer.
I don't know about anyone else, but I am amazed at how many times I relearn a lesson I've previously learned. One that I've sworn I'd never forget, but didn't recall until its rediscovery. I'm just so thankful that I have the people in my life that are there to remind me of these golden nuggets, whether or not they realize they are doing it.
As for my friend? She was doing something for me that I needed the most. She was listening. Supporting. And offering her hand.
The power of "talk." Open your mouth, call for someone, anyone, WHEN YOU NEED IT. Most of us don't make it if we don't. I certainly don't know how I did, but I will assure you; it was much rougher than it needed to be.
Just as importantly, listen. Whether we're being given suggestions, or we're the one being called upon, the best thing we can do is listen. Many times I've answered my own questions just by being able to talk it through with someone; other times it required following a guided set of instructions. If a family member, a friend, or even a sponsor, are just too close to the situation or can't be talked to, call on a counselor or a life coach. But say something - anything - to someone. It just might save a life, and possibly our very own.