Today I completed Steps Four and Five. I felt pretty good about it, too, really. The last part was to meditate about it somewhere quiet for an hour, which I did. I actually felt great afterwards.
I have kind-of "semi-joined" an established activities group for young people, kind of a branch off of the main trunk for the anonymous groups I attend. This group is putting together a comedy/dance for a near future event, so I headed over to their practice location so I could 1) check it out and see how it looked, and 2) be around people. After practice broke up, Sponsor was there, and he assigned me Step Six, which really just consisted of reading material on the that step from a steps and traditions book.
Just before leaving, I was speaking to a new friend of mine, and we were having a discussion that began to bother me. At first, the conversation struck me sideways, but I was able to stand, so I paid as little attention to it as I could, especially because, quite frankly, it was none of my damn business. We shortly parted ways, but Left Side and Right Side made sure I knew they'd heard everything that was said; and of course had their theories about what was happening.
Now, for the sake of anonymity for the other parties, I won't go into details on any of this, but I will say that I felt -- I don't know, like I never had the chance. Or, no -- like I'd had the chance, but really fucked it up. This isn't a good thing for me, because Left Side and Right Side are vicious when thrown raw meat.
I had to get out of my head, and I had to do it fast; the heat quickly building up. I decided to run to a coffee shop to do some blogging, thinking that maybe the writing would help quell the fire, but by the time I got there, I didn't want to go in -- I wanted to sit in the car and isolate, so I did. After a moment of frustration, I took off and started driving. I was not in the right mindset to drive, and I was hauling ass and beginning to drive dangerously, so I pulled over into a parking lot and stopped. I just parked the car, and sat.
I didn't know what to do about this situation, so I began praying, and meditating, and praying, and meditating. Each time I thought I'd come to grips with this ever growing issue, I became frustrated again, and the cycle started all over. Even Left Side and Right Side didn't have much to say about it anymore, because they simply couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Eventually, I hit a sweet spot and calmed down, and then decided to read up on Step Six, as my sponsor had instructed -- which I did.
THIS is where this blog is headed.
A while back, AF had suggested that I read a particular book called Drop the Rock, Steps Six and Seven, Second Edition (Bill P., Todd W., Sara S.). I bought the electronic version but I hadn't started reading it yet because I felt it would be a good supplement for when I was actually doing Steps Six and Seven -- ta da! -- so I began reading.
Several things happened to me in that car, sitting in the parking lot, with only a lamppost shining in for light. For one, not only did it explain Step Six in very good detail, it also hit home like a bat to the head. I've been talking about flash floods lately -- because, well, that's really what they are -- but this one was worse.
My counselor had explained to me that one day I would be sitting, most likely alone, working on something, and that I would probably become overwhelmed and "lose it." I fought that just because she mentioned it. A number of months back, I was writing a detailed paper on a particular event in my life that dealt with my mother's near death -- and for the first time since I was around six, I burst.
Forward a couple more months, and I was sitting in my vehicle, listening to a meditation that AF had giving me to listen to. She had told me that it was "the meditation that changed her life." I had been meditating for nearly two years (more?) at that point, so I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong. I couldn't shut the flood gates, the water just kept flowing.
Forward to tonight, and it was as though the dam simply broke. My nose was plugged up, my eyes red and swollen. THAT is the reason I hate the floods, and THAT is why I have always held it back -- but I couldn't. AGAIN. For the third time since I was a young kid.
Strangely -- I felt better about ten minutes after I had stopped. The "issue," the readings, and the water soaking all did a number on me, but strangely, I felt better. Don't get me wrong, the "issue" is still there; a potential, frightening solution has risen; and the fear of losing someone in my life has begun to stare me in the face -- and yet, I had a bizarre, unknown peace and comfort about me. I don't know why.
I headed to a late night meeting. Take a wild guess as to what the topic was. No, really -- guess what it was.
WTF. And to boot, every single person that talked tonight had a meaningful share. It was a fabulous meeting.
I'm not sure what else to say about it, really. It is just after 3:00 AM here, and I am exhausted. I want to go to the 10:00 AM, but I need sleep, so I may skip it (not sure yet). Meanwhile, I'm writing simply because I hate to miss a blog, so I wanted something here. Sorry for the babbling this evening/morning.
If I had a point to what i wrote, it might simply be this reminder that ZJ gave me some time ago: "Remember, in the Native American meeting, they taught us that when we ask the Creator to remove our defects (Step Six), things seem to get worse at first -- because we're being trained for the defect's replacement. We have to learn how to use it. Don't forget that!"