Today was a dreary, rainy day in my neck of the woods. This led to some moments of despair for me. Perhaps I should have stayed in bed.
It was all I could do to hide the feelings of loneliness -- and the hollow struggles I self-created -- from my coworkers. I was drowning in misery, trying to keep my head above the flash floods the rains brought on. The only dam I could build was an angry one, keeping not only the waters at bay, but the potential life rafts carried by my coworkers. I wanted nothing to do with them or their unintentionally-helpless help. What, then, shall I do?
Ah, the power of a list.
Yesterday, I discussed how a list of simple affirmations took me from a loathing, hateful place to a place of comfort and self-peace. And surely we’ve all seen the work of the Almighty Gratitude List! Almost nothing pulls one out of a funk more quickly than that!
But this evening, it was a list of different kind... or, well, maybe not.
My sponsor has me making another type of list. Seems like a lot of lists just to get passed a step, but I want to do what I need to do to work this thoroughly, completely, and heartfelt – so lists it is.
This list: A list of what I would want my perfect partner to be.
In my recent past, before I received my current sponsor, it was suggested by a friend in the program that I write a list of the ideal woman, and to pray about it. The idea was that by writing it down with feeling, the Law of Attraction/the Universe/God would bring it to fruition at some point in my life. Well, if I haven’t made it obvious in my past blogs, I’m pretty fucking lonely, so I took the challenge, and wrote the list.
As I finished that list and read it outloud, an interesting thought occurred to me, ‘Out of this list for a woman I long for, from it, what could I fulfill for her?’ So I went back over my list, and answered a simple question: “Before I can ask her to fulfill this item, am I able to fulfill it for her, or is this simply an expectation?” I discovered that there were four items that I could fulfill which needed work, the rest I knew I would fulfill with no problem. This led me to conclude how brilliant it was to be asked to make such a list, and what its true purpose was; to find out who I really was and how I could better serve her. I’m still amazed.
When my sponsor asked me to make a similar list, I thought, ‘I’ve got this!’ I scribbled it down by hand, and then, in order to make it legible for my sponsor, I pulled out my laptop, and began putting into a spreadsheet. Ya, this was nice, now I could alphabetically sort everything! Not only that, I could remove duplicates and add columns! So I began adding columns like, “How important is this to you on a scale of 1 – 5?” and “Why do I want that?” and “Am I this?” and… well, you get the idea. I had taken this awesome idea for a list, and made it more awesome!
Or – had I?
As I am filling out this multicolumn, sortable list, which I had nearly two hours into, it suddenly dawned on me; I’m making this really fucking complicated. I mean, really fucking complicated. And then I had dawn #2; maybe that’s what my sponsor was really getting at.
I have this tendency to over do and think to hard on things. How do I know? Well, two great friends of mine, AF and ZJ, have told me so. Both have said, “You’re overthinking and overcomplicating things – again.” Oi. And I won’t argue with them. I know in my heart that they are right.
Sponsor obviously knew this (go figure, an alkie knowing an alkie?), which is why at one point he specifically stated, “Don’t overthink it – just write it down.”
How is it that I can’t see the obvious? I either pull the wool over my own eyes, or I think that I’ve got such a bright idea that I blind myself from what I’m supposed to see! Not just once or twice, it seems like most of the time!
Both lists, though similar in content, had two entirely different purposes. Or, that is, they may have had the same initial purpose, but what came from them were two different things; one taught me to realize that I need to be able to offer someone what I would want from them, and the other taught me to stop trying to take control and make things more complicated than they have to be. I’m sure there will be something else more to the point that Sponsor or God has yet to reveal, but until then, 1.1) I’ve seen what I want in a woman, 1.2) I realize what I need to be able to fulfill before I can request her to fulfill it, and 2) KISS – and by that I don’t mean lip-locking, though that would be rather nice someday. ;)
Okay – strange topic for this evening, but it pulled my head out of my ass and I stopped moping around like Eeyore, so the list (again) served its purpose(s).
Now, I'm tired and I can't sleep. But I’m off to bed anyway, as I have to be up in about four hours in order to get to several meetings tomorrow. So I’ll end with this:
When in doubt about who you are and/or what you think you want, need, or feel – write a simple list and repeat them aloud, they’re powerful tools and can change your life – literally.