I. Am. Grateful.
This is what my counselor would call a Golden Nugget. "Hold on to those as long as you can," she reminds me. These moments of tranquility that appear so rarely. Hold on to those moments.
I woke up this morning after a long night again last night. I went to another 10:00 PM meeting again, just so I would have something to do. The meeting was good, nothing that really stuck out for me -- except that I actually spoke up for the first time and verbally attempted to explain my take on God and a Higher Power. I think I got my point across, but as I've stated before, I don't articulate as well verbally as I do in writing, hence this very blog.
After the meeting, a few people went to a late night dinner and asked me along. This is the third or fourth time I've gone with them, and it's still just as uncomfortable as always -- but I went. I went because I need to, and more importantly, I want this. I want to have friends that I can lean on. The problem is finding the ones that I feel comfortable with. How do I go about doing that?
Suit up and show up
There is no easier way. Especially not with this anonymous crowd. Never in my life have I been around a more understanding, patient group of people than these people (as a group -- individually it may be a different story). But then again, to be fair, I'd never been around a lot of groups before; just the church, who left my family and I sitting in the dust. But that's another story for another time.
So I left the restaurant last night, uncomfortable, but welcomed and -- peaceful, really. I got home very late, too late to write a blog, so off I went to bed. My intention was to get as much sleep as possible, because -- well, I wanted to go to their 10:00 AM meeting.
In my recent past, if I was going to be late anywhere, I would just simply not go. It was as simple as that. This stems from always being late everywhere as a kid, family functions, church, church events, etc. People would always comment, "There's the [________] Family again, always late as usual!" This was embarrassing to say the least, and my Dad always just laughed it off, "We've got five boys to get ready! ha ha ha!"
To my point: I woke up later than I had anticipated this morning, and I was going to be late. I stopped, meditated and prayed, and then showered. I arrived at the meeting ten minutes late, but I walked in anyway. I suited up, and I showed up.
I hadn't eaten anything since the yesterday's late morning lunch (I didn't eat at the restaurant last night, I was just "socializing"). I was starving. I needed to eat and thought about asking people if they wanted to go, but my old-school instincts kicked in, and I shut down. By the time I got the courage to see if anyone wanted to go eat, everyone I knew was gone.
Well, I had to eat, and I didn't want crap food, so I went to a restaurant where I have a friend that works as a bartender.
Okay, let me stop right here, because I have to say this now.
I have the most amazing people in my life nowadays. From ZJ, to this other friend of mine (I'll refer to her as AF from here on out so we can distinguish between the two), to a list of people that seems to continually grow. I can't possibly be more grateful for Who the Creator has placed into my Walk, and specifically these two. ZJ and AF both play significant roles in my Recovery, both in their own unique ways. This isn't to discount the other fabulous people I've come across in my New Life, or those that have had major, significant influence on me, but these two specifically have had, and continue to have, a huge impact on my Life. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I don't know that I can repay either one of them for what they've done for me -- but I want to pass their Gifts on, and I am working towards that goal.
Now, AF wasn't able to discuss a whole lot with me at the moment because she was -- well, working. But I was able to squeeze in a comment or two, to which AF simply replied, "Just pray about it. Leave it to God." She's said these things to me before. When I told her about my speakers meeting, and how nervous I was about it, she simply said, "Just say, 'Thy will be done,' and you'll be okay."
I've been doing that a lot lately. Praying, I mean. Letting the Creator have it. Take it from me. All the obsessions, and fears, and worries and doubts and mistrust and... all of it. I came home the other day, burned out from Left Side and Right Side's constant arguments, going and going. I couldn't handle it. I was ready to take myself out again.
But AF and ZJ both say to release it. Let it go. LET. IT. GO. TRUST GOD.
... what else can I do?
For the first time since I was a kid, I got on my knees in prayer, and I just lost it. It was short lived for some reason, just a burst, and then I dried up; and suddenly... some relief. For the first time in my life, I actually felt relief from crying. This has never happened before, it was always cry because people in the church did -- there was no meaning behind it.
Today, I still feel that relief. The comfort, the peace, the tranquility, the serenity. I am okay. I don't understand why, nor do I care anymore. I just know that it does.
Relief: A Golden Nugget worth hanging onto for as long as one can.
Thank you, my dear friends.