After ranting last night, talking to my sponsor, and working on my blog, I think I finally released the uncontrollable past. <sigh>
I began the next part of my fourth step, fear inventory, and as I processed through it, I began to see where resentments were. When I finished my short list (which may grow), I realized that I needed to seriously revisit my resentment list.
This process, the entire process, seems amazing to me. It feels healing, too. As I began to handwrite my resentments and fears, I was overwhelmed with emotions – some sad, some fearful, some unknown. Once again, I was visited by flash floods. On a number of occasions, I had to put down the looking glass and retreat back into now so the floods wouldn't swallow me up. I don’t know what’s happening here, but I know I want this process completed thoroughly, wholehearted, and entirely.
I am so thankful for this guy. He sat with me, went over the resentment list and the fear list, and then he proceeded to explain to me how the fourth step was supposed to work. Let me reiterate: he sat with me and went over the lists, and explained how it was to be done. This is not something I’d previously had, so it was good to see an example based on real life events (mine). Now I feel like I have a firm grip on the concept of what needs to be done here. I will continue working on the nearly three pages of resentments I wrote (that I thought were not what he was requesting), and then I’ll move forward.
Progress. I feel like I’ve made progress – finally.
After working with him and attending a speaker meeting, I needed to eat, but I didn’t want to eat total crap food – so I hit a convenient store. Ya, I know. And technically, it wasn’t a “convenient store” as much as it was a pharmacy with an itsy-bitsy “food” section at convenient store prices.
For those of you that don’t know me, I’m an overweight man. I had gained a lot of weight while I was in my addiction. It was in part because of a back injury I had, where all my physical work came to a screeching halt and I had to sit behind a desk. That’s when the weight started coming on. Way too much.
In my recovery, this became a serious problem, because I was switching out alcohol for food, and gaining more weight. Last June, I started a self-created weight loss program, where I would lose weight over a one-year period. The idea was to simply get healthier, not hit min/max weight requirements or babysit calories. Just be healthier and see what happens. I unintentionally lost twenty pounds in the first thirty days, and nearly thirty pounds in two months.
Around that time, an activities group that I had been working closely with collapsed. This was a very necessary group for the recovery community! ZJ and I, along with three other friends, began building our own. Sadly, the second group was taking a turn in a direction that was out of my control (alcoholic thinking here), so I resigned from the board. (On a side note, the team has since become a fairly strong entity for the recovering community, and I'm proud of them.)
The decision to resign caused some serious depression for me, and although my obsession with alcohol had been removed, it had been replaced with food – I just didn’t know it yet. I quickly began gaining the weight back, which only added to my depression. I wanted to throw my hands in the air, and just be done. And then, the thought occurred to me, ‘If God can remove my obsession of alcohol so successfully, why can’t He do that with food?’
At this time frame, I was also just coming into spiritual alignment with the Universe and Her spirituality, thanks to the Native American and meditation groups I attended. She and I had just become friends for the first time since I was about twelve or so. She was obviously excited to lend me a hand because since that time, my weight has been slowly, healthily, melting away.
I’ve been losing weight. I’m grateful for that. It’s funny, because I had just bought three work shirts, two t-shirts, and a pair of pants about a month or so ago. When I bought the pants, I was already down two sizes from before, and now this new pair feels like they’re going to fall off. The t-shirts are already slightly too big, and the button down shirts are about right (they are a size smaller than previously).
Since I didn’t want to destroy my progress, I opted to get a couple of cheese sticks to hold me over, and some water. Glad I made that choice, I feel much better about it, and I’ll be good until after the 10:00 PM meeting tonight, and possibly through to tomorrow morning.
The Creator isn’t just about fixing addictions or alcoholism. The Great Spirit is all about helping us in our lives, to live it the best that we can. And when we’re faced with adversity, Mother God is there; to guide us, to protect us, and aid us in living. She’s doing it with my alcoholism, with my eating habits, and with an issue I’ve yet to disclose; things are happening.
The Higher Power is there, residing in the God position, and doing something in my life. This is something I’d given up on a long time ago, but the results I’m witnessing are not only real – they're amazing.