I think I’m beginning to really like having a laptop again, especially a light weight one. I’ve been able to do my blogs while out and about, so I can utilize my time a lot better now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, learning another language, reading, drawing, taking photos, etc., that’s all good – but now I can get the blogs done, too. It helps to have variety!
Today I was looking at places to live. Rent for now, maybe I’ll buy later, but not right now. It felt – weird. This will be the first time I will move into a place, entirely on my own, with no one to take care of but me. I’m not sure how well I’ll deal with that, but I will deal with it. I’m nervous, but – it has to happen.
Nearly six years ago, about six months after my wife passed away, two of my brothers and a nephew moved in with me. The deal was that after my nephew reached a certain age and was in about second or third grade, that we’d all go our ways. This gave my baby brother ample time to raise his son before he was in Kindergarten, and then he could get a job – my brother, not my nephew. My older brother moved in because his trailer was falling apart, literally – the roof was caving in and so were to floors. We agreed that he would get his finances in better shape, and then he’d move out around the same time frame. My brothers have, for the most part, kept up their end of the bargain (ahead of schedule, actually), and the time is coming for us to go our separate ways.
But this may prove harder than expected, because although things have gotten better, none of us are “where we want to be,” so it is still going to be hard. We’ve all worked diligently at making sure that my nephew, each other, and ourselves have what we need, but there is some fear as to what might happen to each of us, especially my brothers and my nephew. This is a hard call, but at what point to I get to live as myself? When do I get to do what I need to do, for me?
The time has indeed come, I believe. Before our next yearly-lease renewal, I put into place an agreement with the landlord that we’d switch from a one-year contract to a monthly contract towards the end of this school year. My brothers both know about this, so it is no surprise, still, it’s going to be a hard move for everyone; me, my older brother, my baby brother, and most of all – my nearly nine-year-old nephew. It has to happen, but I’m worried about how we’re going to deal with all of this, because my nephew has had a hard time with school, his buddies all seem to be moving away. This is an issue with me, as I completely understand how he feels. But we’ve reached a point where we all need our separate space.
My baby brother was frustrated when I mentioned it again today, even though it has been months since I last stated it. He’s concerned about what’s going to happen with the schooling situation. He acknowledged that he knew it was coming, but isn’t so sure about housing. I told him that was why I’m mentioning it, and that all he can do is the next, best indicated thing.
The next, best indicated thing.
A tool, which I’ve learned from The Rooms and that I’ve used on a real life situation for my alcoholic-self, is now being passed on to a normie, for a real-life situation. In my past, this situation would have caused me to hide in my room, worried about what I’m doing and wondering how to go about doing it. I would have grabbed a bottle, and just lived with it, letting the situation continue, and I would have drunk to Oblivion. But today, I am not only doing the next, best indicated thing, I’m also sharing it. I never saw that coming. Not once.
After I made that statement to my brother, he looked up from the ground, and nodded his head. I reminded him that this was why I was telling him in January, so that he had time to prepare for it. This was why I mentioned it last summer, and the one previous to that. Everyone has known this was coming. All of us. Even my nephew has heard comment that he’d have his own place one day.
I’m just grateful that I’ve got the programing that I do. I never thought I’d live it this way. My sponsor says, “These rooms taught me how to live LIFE.” I am beginning to see what he means. Me, of all people, who had nil for a social life, no experience on what to do in certain events, and no comprehension of how the world rolled – and yet, I’m able to do this. Yes, I realize I’m not “cured.” That can’t happen in my lifetime, and I don’t care. The friends that I’ve gained are absolutely priceless, and the lessons I'm learning are gold, regardless as to how uncomfortable or painful they may be.
I think I like being sober.