Drunkless

Letting others see in, so we can see out.

We are Recovering alcoholics and addicts, and these are mini-chapters of our lives. Here, we are learning to live a life of choice; we're learning to live Drunkless.

We'll share in our writings, in our podcasts, in our photos, art, and music -- our creativity will show who we are, what we're going through, and how we make it -- 24 hours at a time.

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Dream, Believe, Show Up, and Accept.

It's been a downhill ride for me today.  It started out pretty good.  I was okay with everything this morning.

I spent some time today with a good friend of mine while she worked, and then went and saw my parents.  I didn't really feel like going to my parents place, mostly because they are out of town (about thirty minutes away), and I didn't want to drive all that way -- but I did.  I really need to do that more often, I just have a very difficult time being there for very long.  I left after just a couple of hours.

Meanwhile, for some reason, things just weren't going like I wanted them to go.  I mean, things were technically okay, but some earlier events were beginning to bother me; i just don't know what to do about them.  It's become unnerving, really -- in both the good and bad side of it.

Ultimately, how I was hoping to complete my day ended in failure.  I say failure because, well -- it really was a fail, it just wasn't a devastating fail, in that I am still sober, and no one died.  But it was a personal failure that made me feel more lonely, foolish, and hopeless.  I can't expound on the issue as it could break anonymity for the other person, so I won't describe it here, but I will say that it wasn't necessarily "bad," just circumstantial (by her choice), and it left me, again -- alone.

<sigh>

I felt defeated.  Again.  I started wallowing in my past defeats and failures, and feeling like the things I'm hoping for are pointless.  I began to lose hope and questioned the reality of my dreams of ever having what I know I need, but I can't seem to figure out what/how to go about getting it (there is a lot more to this story than I am willing to put in this short blog at this time).

Being stuck alone (again), the thought of hitting a meeting crossed my mind, just so I have people around.  But I'm growing tired of hitting meetings out of loneliness.  It sickens me, really.  I was just considering heading home, saying "Fuck-it!"  But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that a case of the "Fuck-its" can take an alcoholic down.  Reluctantly, I decided to suit-up and show-up.

<sigh>

What was the meeting's topic?
Accepting failure, and trusting our Higher Power.

What the?

So as I'm listening to this meeting, I'm getting more frustrated because I have to accept "failing" at something I don't even understand yet, and I'm just becoming more upset and even depressed.  I'm trying here!  I'm praying, and meditating, and going to meetings and hoping and being positive -- and for what?  Nothing!  WHY BOTHER?  Why not just quit all this nonsense?  Hopes get smashed with no explanation, no reason, no sense.  I just wanted to leave the meeting and I questioned why I even went there to begin with.

And then I received a simple text (with a picture she was working on) from very good friend of mine.

Made me think of you!!!

I
Am
Always
Amazed
at how this works...

<sigh>

I don't think I deserve the consideration I receive sometimes, but strangely, this happens with her all the time -- I'm in the pits, and she communicates something meaningful and point on.  I can't comprehend how this works, but it does -- too often and too spot on to be coincidence.  I need to pull my head out of my ass, because I owe her a lot.

The Left Side and Right Side bantering was immediately ceased.

I had to remind myself to slow down, to live right now, and to be patient.  I am in training for something, somewhere (right?  and please?).  I just don't know what, and that bothers me.  But if I continue to dream, continue to believe, and continue to show up and accept the fact that I will fail at times, then my understanding is that I'll eventually find what I'm looking for -- peace and serenity.  And hopefully companionship on a level that banishes Loneliness for the rest of eternity.

As I sit here typing this blog out, I am realizing that "the incident" wasn't really that big an issue.  It all started because I was simply disappointed.  I wanted to do something that I knew was probably not going to happen to begin with.  And for that matter, the text from my first mentioned friend, which was the text that started this whole mess to begin with, wasn't saying "go away," she was simply saying that she was not going to do anything this evening.

What a storm I can create.  I'm a very blessed man, and I am grateful to have another good friend who sends me texts like the one displayed above.  It was like Jesus saying to the waters, "Be still," and suddenly, the storm was gone.

Namasté

Be Positive. Be Compassionate. Be Love. Be Spiritual. Be Life. Just BE.

Drunkless does not intended to diagnose, treat, or resolve any alcoholic or addiction condition in any way, shape or form.  Drunkless deals primarily with chemical addictions and aims to share the experience, strength, and hope of our bloggers, podcasters, and associated guests and visitors.  Though we recognize and realize that there are many forms of addiction and mental disorders, we are not experienced nor educated in ways where we can advise or give feedback on many of them.  As such, it is up to our visitors to discern the differences and to take appropriate action to seek help for themselves or loved ones.  However, we do hope to provide a glimpse into the correlation between some of them and hopefully allow someone a "one-up" on getting help before it becomes life threatening -- after all, that is our goal -- to provide hope where we can, and possibly save a life.

The authors, podcasters, artists, creativists, and other "hosts" on this site do it therapeutically, educationally, inspirationally, and to share their experience, strength and hope, as well as for entertainment... After all, we are not a glum lot.

Drunkess™ does not endorse nor support any one kind of recovery path, it supports all forms of recovery if the path is healthy, positive, and leads to the light.
Drunkless™ is not affiliated with any other recovery entities, including, but not limited to, AA or any of it's affiliates and sister programs, recovery centers, sober active groups, hospitals, institutions, or law-enforcement agencies. 

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