Dream, Believe, Show Up, and Accept.
It's been a downhill ride for me today. It started out pretty good. I was okay with everything this morning.
I spent some time today with a good friend of mine while she worked, and then went and saw my parents. I didn't really feel like going to my parents place, mostly because they are out of town (about thirty minutes away), and I didn't want to drive all that way -- but I did. I really need to do that more often, I just have a very difficult time being there for very long. I left after just a couple of hours.
Meanwhile, for some reason, things just weren't going like I wanted them to go. I mean, things were technically okay, but some earlier events were beginning to bother me; i just don't know what to do about them. It's become unnerving, really -- in both the good and bad side of it.
Ultimately, how I was hoping to complete my day ended in failure. I say failure because, well -- it really was a fail, it just wasn't a devastating fail, in that I am still sober, and no one died. But it was a personal failure that made me feel more lonely, foolish, and hopeless. I can't expound on the issue as it could break anonymity for the other person, so I won't describe it here, but I will say that it wasn't necessarily "bad," just circumstantial (by her choice), and it left me, again -- alone.
I felt defeated. Again. I started wallowing in my past defeats and failures, and feeling like the things I'm hoping for are pointless. I began to lose hope and questioned the reality of my dreams of ever having what I know I need, but I can't seem to figure out what/how to go about getting it (there is a lot more to this story than I am willing to put in this short blog at this time).
Being stuck alone (again), the thought of hitting a meeting crossed my mind, just so I have people around. But I'm growing tired of hitting meetings out of loneliness. It sickens me, really. I was just considering heading home, saying "Fuck-it!" But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that a case of the "Fuck-its" can take an alcoholic down. Reluctantly, I decided to suit-up and show-up.
What was the meeting's topic?
Accepting failure, and trusting our Higher Power.
So as I'm listening to this meeting, I'm getting more frustrated because I have to accept "failing" at something I don't even understand yet, and I'm just becoming more upset and even depressed. I'm trying here! I'm praying, and meditating, and going to meetings and hoping and being positive -- and for what? Nothing! WHY BOTHER? Why not just quit all this nonsense? Hopes get smashed with no explanation, no reason, no sense. I just wanted to leave the meeting and I questioned why I even went there to begin with.
And then I received a simple text (with a picture she was working on) from very good friend of mine.
at how this works...
I don't think I deserve the consideration I receive sometimes, but strangely, this happens with her all the time -- I'm in the pits, and she communicates something meaningful and point on. I can't comprehend how this works, but it does -- too often and too spot on to be coincidence. I need to pull my head out of my ass, because I owe her a lot.
The Left Side and Right Side bantering was immediately ceased.
I had to remind myself to slow down, to live right now, and to be patient. I am in training for something, somewhere (right? and please?). I just don't know what, and that bothers me. But if I continue to dream, continue to believe, and continue to show up and accept the fact that I will fail at times, then my understanding is that I'll eventually find what I'm looking for -- peace and serenity. And hopefully companionship on a level that banishes Loneliness for the rest of eternity.
As I sit here typing this blog out, I am realizing that "the incident" wasn't really that big an issue. It all started because I was simply disappointed. I wanted to do something that I knew was probably not going to happen to begin with. And for that matter, the text from my first mentioned friend, which was the text that started this whole mess to begin with, wasn't saying "go away," she was simply saying that she was not going to do anything this evening.
What a storm I can create. I'm a very blessed man, and I am grateful to have another good friend who sends me texts like the one displayed above. It was like Jesus saying to the waters, "Be still," and suddenly, the storm was gone.